Betrayed my own values.
Hello, I'm a male, 22 years old.
Looking for an advice.
This for someone wiser and mature, to look and maybe give advice for young's foolness
But anyway,
Let this be another example to be cautious about deepening inside temptations and lust for I betrayed myself and gave my will into porn-lust. My true self is a free person, freed from anykind of temptations, my inner character is based on this thought. I love myself, but this time I made harsh mistake, thus I don't think I get the point, if you can call it a "lesson", at all.
I'm not concerned about the lust itself, in fact my life, which I'm supposing it to be, without short-cut pleasures, filled of meaning and mindfulness, seems to be boring for me and does not compare to instant gratifications. So now in more simple language: my inner deep thoughts and desires, which are pure ones, fading away because they seems boring to my body, if you understand the thing. They're really pleasant for my soul, but seems dull in the moment. I'm also concerned about severe laziness.
Lifestyle is very important so I'm hitting the gym, always go for a walk in the mornings, eating healthy, usual 7-9h sleep also reading.
I also have apathy time to time and it often happens when I follow productive, semi-productive style, but I experimented with it and found out that when I do things that disgusting and embarrassing to my soul, I somehow feel bad inside(like that voice saying it's not real you, wake up), but at the same time something like stimulated? But the one thing I really think of maybe I have also few dopamine receptors or they are blunted? Like heard the people with genetically low dopamine base levels? As an additional example I can give you, that I can't really sit on the phone for too many hours or play videogames, in fact I get the "brainrot" feeling like in an hour or so. I'm playing GTA V and noticed an interesting thing, that if I'm following and deepening into the story, this effect is not so affecting me. Maybe the attention span is the case? But hardly I believe it is. Or seeking deep intellectual stimulus also takes part
I'm somewhat tired of my body being an enemy to me, why is like that? I'd rather be free, be myself, but emotionally unjoyfull, than be in indolence, knowing I have a mask of joy, but betrayed my self.
I turn to the wise for help. Btw I'm not diagnosed with some health, psychological problems. Also sorry, for english is not my native, God Bless You.