Thoughts of her won’t go away, and I can’t watch porn as a moral thing due to the relationship ending because I watched it. It’s been 5 months and I’m still not over it. Is there any way around this other than becoming a Tibetan monk and living in the mountains forever
About 5 months ago, I (19M then) was broken up with my ex (19F) because I had watched porn during the relationship even when I knew she was uncomfortable with it. To be clear, I know that this is entirely my fault and it's something I regret every day, and as much as I'd like it to be otherwise I cannot blame her for having broken up with me. This was one amongst a few other problems (that I can see from my biased perspective) which I cannot blame her for, but definitively I know I was in the wrong and I've learnt to accept the breakup as it is and to focus on doing better.
Both during and after the breakup, I had come to find out from both mutual friends and seeing posts on her public socials the things she believes about the relationship at large. There are things I can't blame her for, especially those relating to the issues I know existed during the relationship, like thinking I didn't love her (even if it isn't true) because my actions showed otherwise, or calling out the more unsavoury things that I had blurted out throughout the relationship and especially the end because I had been emotional. I do not blame her for because I can see where she's coming from, even if the conclusions she reached from my actions are simply not true, like saying that I must be insecure to have said those things, or that I never loved her and have always resented her.
However, there were on top of that so many blatant lies which I am able to recall specific situations and pull up specific text conversations to disprove. For example, she had said in a post that I had insulted her nose in the past, when I had only ever complimented her nose, specifically recalling that she didn't like that it was square-ish when viewed from the bottom. I was the one telling her I loved her nose. She would also say that I would never initiate sex/would never try to get her off when I have proof asking her to supplement bedroom time with toys, etc, and remembering specific things to do that would turn her on, as well as being on top almost every time.
I can understand omitting all the good things I had brought to the relationship after what had done, but I have no idea what to think about her twisting the truth/telling blatant lies.
I know that this becomes a bit of a he-said-she-said situation, but it's precisely because of that I have no idea what to believe and do from here. There are so many things I can disprove but so many others that I merely believe did not happen without substantial proof. I don't think I have the right to say that my memory is the definitive truth, but now I don't even know what to work off of when trying to improve myself as a person because of the amount of grey area.
On top of all this, this has hurt me not just directly, but since she had become friends with my previous ex (who is a central person in an older friend group, and inversely had done things that have hurt me in the same way I have hurt her, which only adds to my confusion), I have lost friends over this and I don't know what other people have heard about me. Despite this, I can't help but wish she didn't hold so much resentment and is able to move on. I still can't help but care about how she's feeling emotionally and how she feels about me. So what can I do, other than just learn to move on and forget? How can I learn and become a better person from this?
TL;DR: got broken up with because of the things I had done, but she has extrapolated the bad things I had done to every other aspect of the relationship and wholeheartedly believing things that simply aren't true. I'm now stuck because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to believe, as it relates to both my self worth and how to become a better person in the future, because I don't feel that it's right to say my judgement of what happened is any truer than her provably false judgement of what happened.