Im not even sure I have a question… more like I just want other perspectives and to get my thoughts out into the void.
I (36) met a Dutch guy (25) when I was overseas and incredibly heartbroken from the ending of a very bad relationship. He was incredibly sweet and we kept in touch throughout the next 1.5 years. To the point where we traveled together, talked almost everyday on FaceTime etc. the kicker is - we never defined it as anything, I mean how could we?
I’m now on a plane leaving Amsterdam heartbroken.
This was supposed to be a fun trip. I planned it just to see him and so we wouldn’t go so long without spending time with each other. He introduced me to his family. His friends.
Yet, coming into it - I was on edge. Emotionally, I’ve been stressed during our entire non relationship. I can’t place boundaries on something that isn’t there. I got carried away in the fantasy of - it’ll work out if we keep seeing each other. Yet, I can’t live in ambiguity. I don’t want an open relationship. He wouldn’t ever move to the US and well moving to Europe is a whole pain on its own. Besides, moving for what exactly ?
I opened up the conversation on the last day. There was a weird tension in the air. I explained my concerns and my worries and was met with a yea I feel the same. I’m not sexually attracted to you anymore. Romantically I am but not sexually.
Ouch. Also, fair. I had my own doubts in this arena but it hurt to hear. Especially without a follow up of maybe wanting to resolve it.
Looking back on the experience - is where I have inner turmoil with myself. It was a lot of fun to dream and dream big. The trips we took and our calls brought a lot of joy in my life. I’ve heard a lot of ideas on “enjoying life for the experiences and memories you make” sort of thing and the whole “grieving means you loved”.
But it’s hard to reconcile with the part of me that’s saying - this is a surprise to no one but you. I mean he’s 25. You wasted time and money. You chose someone who didn’t choose you, again.
So here I am lost on how to move forward. We stayed up talking most of the night. He was still incredibly nice up until I left. He wants to be friends and that’s never been how I operate. But … is that immature? Am I throwing away a kindred spirit sort of connection? I’ve always understood it in theory but emotionally it seems impossible.
I’m now waiting for my over 15 hour journey home to be over. I feel stuck with myself. My head. My emotions. I’ll cry in between distractions I guess.
Thank you for reading