AIO for Considering cutting out my (37f) mother (54f) over this:
Some background…:
My mother and I have never really gotten along. I am the oldest of 4- and only girl with an age gap of 16yrs between myself and my youngest brother. As a child/teen I felt like I was level headed, responsible, and quiet while my mother recalls my youth as “difficult”.
Growing up was always some level of jokes at my expense or bashing my fashion choices. I wasn’t allowed to wear make up until HS- which was fine. And when I got into trouble, she would take away my hair clips and headbands. THIS was something that bothered me as I had very short hair.
One of my brothers (2yrs younger) was very troubled. To the extent that she had to go to therapy to learn how to restrain him. He learned very early on that he could throw school desks and run the elementary school with little repercussions. If he was grounded, likely I was too. He never listened. To this day, he is considered the “black sheep” of the family as he has had a fallout with every member of the family. Despite this, my mother takes his side and goes out of her way to have a 2nd holidays just for him.
On to modern day …:
I have put in effort to build a relationship with my mother and make her proud (real father not in picture, but step father is and is a saint). I call every other day, I am professional school, I bring all kids together for holidays, birthdays, and celebrations.
Recently, during a phone call, I asked if she saw my recent post on social media as i noticed she hadn’t liked my post. Her response, “ I didn’t like the glasses you wore.” I proceeded to ask her if she thought I was pretty or attractive compared to her friend’s daughter (we are 1mo apart). She said yes.
Over the last couple of days, I noticed one platform specifically shows me if my mother specifically likes a post. I had the idea to wander over to her bsf’s daughter’s page (whom she has also had fall outs with and drama). To my surprise, she liked a heavy amount of her items.
You may ask why are these social media “likes” such a trigger? My mother is currently unemployed and has been for months. She repeatedly posts/reposts daily. So, she sees my things.
I feel like I am missing validation from her. I’m lacking being put as a priority in her life.
Over the last few months, I had asked if she will come to my professional school graduation. She told me that she doesn’t know as her 14yr old DOG would need to be looked after. I told her that I have an expectation that my parents and siblings be there and she has a year to set up a dog sitter that is NOT my youngest brother (who typically takes care of them in her absence).
I’m thinking of talking to my stepdad about this and how I feel towards my mother. I’ve tried bringing these feelings up to her in the past and she gets irritated, defensive, and brushes me off. I can’t help but wonder if I am overthinking things. I’ve tried to talk to a friend and she thinks my mom might be jealous. Im not 100% sold on that idea as she benefits from me and my husband (of 7yrs) in various ways.
Idk… at my age I feel like I shouldn’t have to deal with these feelings. I’m considering seeking a therapist to help me heal… but also, thinking of separating myself from her…
Thoughts?