Out of an abusive relationship
TW emotional abuse
I met them maybe five years ago. We became good friends and then I felt a spark and we started dating. They were one of the sweetest people I've ever met, and for a time I felt that it was okay for me to be myself around them.
We moved in together, started making life plans together. The circumstances of that transition were a bit rough - I was out of a job and searching for good employment. So I felt a power imbalance that I thought I could fix once I was back on my feet. They are autistic, which colors both my favorite parts of them and the abusive parts of them. The move was a big change, and the stress of it made them very short tempered. They would yell at me for putting things in the wrong place, and I excused it as the stress of the move.
Time went on, and I got a steady job. They would bounce back and forth between being very sweet and romantic to being aggressively demeaning. On their worse days they'd belittle me until I shut up and shut down. I felt that I was not safe to take up space in conversations.
I was filled with anxiety when they proposed to me. We had talked about it before, and I told them that I wasn't ready for it. By this time, I had given up hope and found it again over and over. I was desperate to make it work. And so I was afraid, but I said yes because they had a photographer watching. They later said that they didn't remember me saying I wasn't ready.
A few months later, around the holidays, we went through another rough patch. They were picking fights over things like my sensory issues and me asserting boundaries. They shut me down on Christmas with my family because I don't want a dog since the barking scares me. And I cried there and I felt so embarrassed and insecure.
They started nitpicking everything I did. Dishes, occasional food waste, other chores; it was never up to their standards. I want to defend myself here - I did a complete job with everything, but they didn't like how I did it. Like putting silverware in the dishwasher the "wrong" way (pointy end down). I felt like I couldn't move through the world for fear of fucking up and getting yelled at.
A few months later, my betta fish got sick and died. He was very special to me and I tried everything I could to help him recover. My partner told me I was a bad pet owner and that I shouldn't have animals. They got mad at me for shutting down. They told me I never listen and I'm irresponsible. I know that is not true.
Our last fight was over some cat puke. One of the cats had puked in a room I don't spend a lot of time in. And I was out doing chores and errands all morning. When they got out of bed in the afternoon, they got mad at me for not cleaning the cat puke. I didn't even know it was there. I told them it was unfair for them to be mad at me. I offered to clean it up, but they just wanted to be mad. They hurled all kinds of spiteful, resentful things at me. So I left.
I'm about a month out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Some days are better than others. Most of the time, I feel free. Sometimes I feel empty, craving the love that I know my ex could show. We still live together, but in our own rooms. I avoid them where I can. I've been coping with weed and community. But I think I will still have my darker days until I can move out in a few months.
Not sure how to end this. Thanks for listening, and remember that you deserve to be loved unconditionally. If you are wondering if it's abuse, it's probably abuse. And if you're hoping you can fix them, leave so you can fix the damage they've done to you.