What is the point? Warning for suicidal ideation
So when I was a kid, I was bullied and I got PTSD, or at least flashback memories and a lack of ability to control my emotions. So, I powered through and found meaning in life in university by studying extra hard. Then came this moment where I got insulted multiple times, couldn't take an insult, then ended up in the same situation, except this time it had to do with my religion and purpose in life. My new purpose in life powered me through, but all the memories were somehow stored and came rushing back again after we get through to the summer break. The pain of the memories was insane, I legit couldn't get out of bed from how painful it was. I went from pained to ashamed to regretful, and the person that I put myself up to be wasn't the same person I keep seeing back then, which changed my opinion about my previously held views. I found answers that calm me down instead of making me spiral to the memories, yet there is still pain that disallows me for reaching certain conclusions and has shifted my identity immensely. I was thinking if actually getting up from bed and facing fears lead me to this new type of pain, then what's the point? That and the idea that this memory will live in my head forever since I recalled upon it so much that it probably solidified itself in my head. This all makes me consider suicide more and more, it just seems like the proper solution to a damaged animal, and maybe should've been my first solution when I was pained before. Although it is worthy to note that I went from someone who doesn't study to an A+ student and did some crazy shit I'm proud of myself for, including pushing myself through the second round of this. I have found respect for the person I was born as, but I think he would've been a better person had none of this happened. In any case, what is a proper argument against suicide in this case? Cause you can always get re traumatized, and it is even easier to re traumatize me next time since that memory network got stronger -- so yeah, I am permanently damaged, and my first trauma led to the second.