Scratch pad / looking for input, advice and reflections from people who have experience in a relationship with infidelity and borderline personality disorder (or similar).
So I am a man married to woman with two children. We are knocking on the door of turning 40, two kids one will be turning 6 soon the other turning 9 soon.
I married the woman that I did because from the moment I saw her, I knew. We met online through plenty of fish. Things went fast. The I love you came out of me within the first two weeks. She was my entire world. We were young (though not THAT young, but still young).
This woman has experienced a lot of abuse throughout her life. A lot of it in her own home. Physical. Emotional. Verbal. Romantical. Sexual. The full gamut. Life hasn't been especially kind to her. She lost her best friend traumatically about 7 years ago. She lost most of the family she's been the closest too. Work is extremely hard on her (nurse, and she cares... and so so many do not).
To sum it up, when I reflect on the partner I've been to her... it's fair to say that I'm not especially proud or happy. I have two daughters. While I think they could have easily done much worse then me, I'd have felt similarly disappointed if their potential future husbands had similar performances in the role of a husband. I worked very hard, sacrificed a lot and did a lot for my family. There was (and is) a lot of love. I've always put my children near the very top of the list and nearly always above me (and I put my wife above me nearly always too). Though I do acknowledge in some ways I took her for granted and didn't support her how I should have. I had my moments of shame. Over reacting. Yelling. Saying hurtful things. Ignoring her (this one set her off a lot and it wasn't my intention, but it still did... I guess I figured saying nothing was better than saying anything because it would only continue the fight). Not putting in as much effort to the "little things" that aren't so little to her. Small gestures of appreciation. Making more of an effort to plan dates. Etc.
I often didn't know how to help her through her mental struggles (to be fair, neither did basically all of of her therapists for the better part of two decades). In my mind, doing everything else was how I could help. Doing what she couldn't because she was stricken with her condition and most days barely able to exist let alone do anything else.
In saying all that, she's done a lot of things that I really don't know how to even process.... let alone forgive or work past. Infidelity of basically every sort, in every way imaginable. Financially to the degree of tens upon tens of thousands (if not in excess of a hundred thousand) dollars. Emotionally to the degree I have no idea, likely spanning back more than 10 years but certainly at least as far back as the past 4 years. Sexually again, without a doubt in the past two years but likely as far back as the past 4 years if not more. Lies of every nature with no limit to the excuses or wild explanations given during the lie or in excuse of the action that was lied about. To the point that I do not believe their is no line she will not cross, nothing she will not lie about. MAYBE our children. But that would be it. Anything and everything else is fair game.
Have you ever experienced it? She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. I've read half of the book "I hate you - don't leave me". The information in the book resonates strongly with my experiences and hers as well.
Have you been able to work past it?
If so, what was it like? What is it like? How long did it take? Are you happy you tried to work through it or do you regret it?
I really feel like I need some support group dedicated to people affected by this condition, particularly spouses who they themselves are not the ones with BPD. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to do.
I go from one day feeling so horrible she's had to live her entire life this way, to the next being anger from the depths of hell and me wanting to go full scorched earth on her and never see her again.