My friend confessed again. Im Exhausted. (19F)
I (19F) have been friends with this guy, Mike (29M), for a few years now. He’s known me since I was 16, and this year marks the third time he has confessed his feelings for me. Our relationship has always been complicated. He has violated my trust before, and our values do not match. The truth is, I care about him, but I have never really seen him as someone I could build a future with. I’ve asked myself, “Do I love him?” and “Can he give me what I need?” and the honest answer is no. I’ve known that for a long time. He knows it to.
Anyways, we hadn’t talked much for months because life pulled us in different directions. I got a job, he was dealing with his own issues, and the distance honestly made things feel calmer. Recently though, I went through a breakup, and I was devastated. I cried for days. When I finally talked to him about it, he was surprisingly supportive. It felt like maybe our friendship was stabilizing again.
Then the next night, at 1AM , He just hits me with a text that says: "What are the odds that I ever have your interest in me? I just want to know if I should try or not. If it’s closer to 0, I won’t try at all and I’ll move on.” Then he added, “I can’t hear you right now so type it up.”
I was stunned and blindsided honestly. He knew about my breakup. He knew I was emotionally wrecked. He knew my values haven’t changed. Why ask me now? Why ask me again? So I told him I wasn’t in the right state to answer anything. I reminded him that we already tried to logically see if we could work, and that he didn’t respect my values back then. I said I cared about him, but I was in too much pain to even understand my own feelings at the moment.
Instead of respecting that, he said, “If it’s just a label of being a [religious name], I couldn’t care much. I’d take that in a heartbeat.” Later he added, “It’s not force if I choose it. If it’s just a label, I can take it. Doesn’t matter to me.”
That hurt. He made my faith, something deeply important to me, sound like a costume he could put on just to get the benefit of being with me. He made it sound small. I told him he can’t just call himself something he isn’t. You can’t say you’re a rock and magically become one. Being a [religious name] is more than a label. It is a lifestyle, a belief system, a commitment.
But he kept pushing. “Just give me a definitive answer. If not, I’ll clear everything and try to move on.”
At that point, I was exhausted, hurt, and honestly annoyed. After way too long, he finally dropped it but now he’s acting like nothing happened and trying to be friendly again. Now I’m stuck. Part of me doesn’t want to throw away years of friendship but another part of me is fed up and feels like I don’t want to be his friend anymore. I feel disrespected, pressured, and emotionally drained. I haven't texted his any replies in the last couple days either. I feel like he only listens when it benefits him. He has said he won’t bring it up ever again but honestly I don’t care. The damage is already done..
So do I walk away? Or how can I try to salvage this?
Small Update:
I wanted to give an update and also respond to some of the comments, especially the ones calling him a predator or saying he groomed me. I’m still processing that language and do not entirely know what it means to be groomed, and I’m not sure I personally feel comfortable using those labels. That being said I do understand why people reacted that way once I laid out the timeline.
For context: he first confessed when I was 16, Yes I know it looks bad but he at the time did say to me that he didn't want a relationship because of my age, he just wanted me to know how he felt. Later he confessed when I was at 18, and this year at 19. Our contact during those years was limited and rocky, so I didn’t really connect the dots until now. Seeing it all written out made me realize the pattern wasn’t healthy.
Warning for readers going further: It goes over non‑consensual photography/ boundary violation.
One commenter hinted at the sentence about one of the "very bad boundary" he crossed and I think it’s important context. When I was 18, he took a photo of me while I was asleep without my consent. It was an extremely private moment, and the nature of the picture was a traumatizing volitation... He told me the next day while in tears what he did and that he instantly deleted it. I don’t know if he ever deleted it, even though he said he did.
At the time, I minimized it because I just couldn't believe I guess someone could do that...I didn’t want to believe he would cross that boundary, but he did and it was a serious breach of trust and safety. I reacted to slowly to things and often let people to close to me when they don't have the best intentions. This incident, combined with the repeated confessions and pressure over the years, is part of why I ultimately chose to end the friendship only moments ago. I should have done it years ago. I sent him a message explaining that the dynamic wasn’t balanced, that my boundaries and values weren’t respected, and that I couldn’t keep being in a situation where I was expected to manage his feelings or give him hope for something that was never going to happen. Anyways..Thank you to everyone who helped me see the situation more clearly and he is no longer going to be apart of my life ever again. (I can see the "get therapy" comments already) 😭..