I’ve known since I was 9 years old that I'm psychopathic. My mother was a clinical psychopath, and I was diagnosed early. For decades, I played the part. I learned the smiles, the small talk, and the "correct" emotional reactions. I’ve lived a double life, keeping a vault of secrets while building a perfect, stable world.
Recently, after being diagnosed with AuDHD, I thought I could finally stop. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could unmask and be "real" with my wife. I wanted to see if I could be known.
It was a mistake.
The "real me" isn't a monster in the way movies depict, I’m just... empty. I’m logical, detached, and essentially dead inside. Seeing that side of me freaks her out. It gives her constant anxiety and ruins her night the moment I stop performing. My lack of "feeling" is a void she can't handle.
So, I’ve made a choice. I’m putting the mask back on.
I’m going back to being the perfect husband, the perfect father, and the man everyone thinks they know. I will spend the rest of my life being completely unknown. The stability of my marriage and the structure of my family are worth more to me than the "reward" of being myself.
I’m writing this here because I need to say it once before I disappear back into the character. I’ll be the guy you pass on the street who looks like he has it all together, but you’ll never know what’s actually happening behind my eyes. I am a ghost in my own life, and I’m okay with that.