I feel guilty.
My parents aren't the worst. When it's good, it's good if you know what I mean? They care about me in their own way like they'll joke around with me, care about my safety and treat me to stuff I like etc. But then when it's bad, it's pretty bad. Or at least bad enough for me to not forget about it. They've said stuff to me that's just not something I'd imagine you'd say to your child. I've been compared to my friends grades-wise ("I bet [insert name] got 20/20" when I got 18/20 in a test), called selfish multiple times etc. During disagreements, my dad just raises his voice as if it makes him right until I cry. But I don't really cry anymore. And my mum just watches. He used to hit me, he's hit me like two or three times but the last time was like 6 years ago. My parents also ghost me after disagreements which is lowkey childish. Which brings me to my point.
My parents recently stopped ghosting me after like a month. Only time they stopped was for brief exchanges and when I told them I was gonna be home late because I would be photographing at a gig. My dad goes off about how I'll get into trouble with the police because it's 18+ and makes snide remarks about how I should "plan better." Guess who was right. Anyways he just randomly pinched my nose and kissed my cheek as a sign of affection I guess??? We're on speaking terms now. But no apology.
I came home early from college because all my lessons were cancelled. They start talking to me about uni. I've been looking at unis further away because I was intending on going no contact with them. They suggest unis closer to us, especially as they're higher on the league table for my particular subject and I explain to them that the league table shouldn't be followed strictly. I know they want the best for me, but higher entry requirements doesn't necessarily mean it's right for me. We're going to a bunch of open days so I'll see what feels right because I care a lot about job prospects and student life (not so much, but it's nice to have a choice).
I just feel guilty because they do care about my future. Or maybe they just want to be able to say that I go to a top 10 uni. I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt though. It's weird talking about me wanting to go to uni for graphics when they were so adamant that I wouldn't make a living off it. Especially as I wasn't keen on going to uni as they wanted me to (as in I'd only go to uni if I wanted to). I suppose to them it's wasted potential if I don't firm at a uni with the maximum entry requirements. Because I do have decent grades (AAB, aiming for AAA at least though as I'm close to an A). But if I like the vibes of a place better than the most prestigious art uni then you know 🤷♀️ They're acting like they're gonna fund for my expenses if I go to a uni in London though. The cost of living is gonna be through the roof. They know it's up to me though, or at least they do for a placement year. If they apply that to whatever uni I choose it'll be chill. Maybe I'll go low contact instead of no contact. I don't know.
Maybe I'm slightly biased because my online best friend wants to go to a uni up north. But I also like how the city the uni is based in is quite creative and very much a student city. Apparently the job prospects are good as well. Even though it's 13 on the league table, which is still pretty good in my opinion. But it probably won't beat London tbh. We'll see what happens.
This is all so stressful dude. Applications don't even open until September and they close in January. Choosing where I want to go is gonna be a massive pain in the arse. I just need a place with good support, job prospects and a decent student life. I'm so freaking scared that I'll pick the wrong place. But hopefully going to open days will prevent that from happening.