Hello Reddit community, first time here.
I’m hopelessly writing this post as I have reached a point in my life where I can just not take it anymore.
My ex partner and I have been together for a year and four months. Over this past month, we’ve had a lot of arguments over things I mainly pointed out. One day, it has led me to breaking up with him when he has always told me to never do that no matter what happens, we stay and we fix. I didn’t mean to do that, I regretted it and apologised throughout the day but he was hurt and said he needed some time. He then proceeded to text me and say he wanted to break up, I apologised and begged for another chance to be a better partner. He agreed to that but said that he could hurt me because he recognised his patterns; when he got hurt in the past he always did something to hurt the other person back. I still had faith he wouldn’t as I thought of him as this kind and loving person, and shamefully, even if he was to do that, in the end he is hurt and I deserve it to a certain extent.
About 3 weeks later, trying my best to change and make up for my mistakes and thinking that things were slowly getting better, he cheats.
For a little context, he had a smoking and drinking problem, which he consulted a doctor for and was able to be clean for over a year, he stopped everything when we were together. But this last weekend, he went on a trip with a friend for two days during which he hasn’t really talked to me except to say “I’m tired physically and mentally I’m going to go eat shower and sleep” when he came back home. The day after, he admitted to getting drunk and high and kissing another girl. He said that he didn’t want to continue hurting me and kept asking what would happen starting now on, especially given the fact that we would see each other everyday in class. Last thing he asked for was a hug which I refused.
I have been dealing with so much pain, anxiety and depression over the past few years and knowing him this last one has been like a small source of light showing up in my life. I long for forgiving him and working things out, but I also have some self respect pushing me to just get through this. I haven’t been to class in 2 days since what happened happened, and I’m still not ready to go back. Too afraid to face him and be too hurt, to see him hanging out with some other women or to simply see him doing absolutely fine when I’m over here hurting and feeling like it’s the end of the world. I miss him so much and it feels like I’m in hell.
I really don’t know how to deal with this, I’ve been reading and watching videos and trying my best not to go crazy. Never thought I’d post something on Reddit, but here I am. Thank you for taking the time to read this if you made it till the end of the post.