Struggling with intimacy with my partner
Honestly, I'm not really sure where to start. I feel like this has a lot of context, I'm just going to try and keep things as brief as I can with most things. First a few notes: 1. We're in a long distance relationship, so this isn't about sex specifically, we've never had that intimacy. 2. We've been together for years.
When I was young, I had unrestricted access online. Like most kids online too young, I had adults talking to me. I was only ever trying to make friends but I had a few people attempting to groom me. Thankfully, never got too bad or serious. However, I kinda took away from that, that I only have one thing to offer. It's taken me a long time to recognize the things it may have taught me. I didn't realize it for a long time. However, as I was growing up, everytime I liked a guy I would always get overly sexual with them. I would heavily flirt and whatnot. When I was older, sexting and stuff. Thankfully, never went past that. Most guys would either encourage it then drop me once they got bored of flirting ig. Or if they reciprocated feelings and gave it back, suddenly that heavy flirting would feel wrong to me. I would lose interest sometimes. Most of the time, I would just feel disgusted in engaging in flirting or anything like that (not disgusted with them but with myself). Now, I can look back after reflection and understand why I got overly sexual too soon. However, the part about how disgusted I feel, I don't get. I also don't know how to work past that feeling.
I took a lot of time to myself in order to work past this. A few years where I specifically went out of my way to self reflect and avoid other people in such ways. I focused on building real friendships and trying to learn how to communicate, establish boundaries, and work on this (which is all stuff I'm still working on). Especially because I have always been a bit of a people pleaser, struggling with boundaries. I thought I was doing better because when I ended up with a crush on a guy, I didn't take it too far. When he reciprocated feelings, I didn't pull away the way I used to. Things fell through, but ultimately, it felt like a step in the right direction. I thought I was getting better.
Then I met my boyfriend. I didn't want to date at first because something had happened and I felt like I needed more time to myself before I started dating anyone. However, he kept pushing, asking me about once or twice a week for two months. Eventually, I agreed cause it seemed harmless. If it worked out, then great, and if not then we will have found out and we could go back to being just friends. It was what I expected and kinda wanted at the time. When we went out, I didn't feel like things went well. We got sexual way too fast for my comfort. It wasn't his fault, because I never establish those boundaries and he is hypersexual. I thought I was fine with it but everytime after we did it, I felt sick with myself. I felt disgusted for engaging in anything sexual as sexting or phone sex. I felt dirty for it. We ended things briefly and I thought we'd go back to being friends cause the 'trial' period was up. Except he got really angry and mean with me, cold in ways I never experienced with him before. He was distant and snapping at me. Then one night he messaged me asking for help, that he was just pent up essentially. That he apologized and whatnot. I know it's pathetic but I gave in, thinking one last time to make him happy.
Then we kinda just started dating again. Honestly, timeline confuses me looking back. Not really sure how I ended up at one point then another. Either way, we've been dating since. At first sexual, every playful flirting or joke would end up turning serious. It felt like every time we talked, it was sexual and if it wasn't he'd get upset with me.i just went along for a while. For practically the first year of our relationship up until I had a panic attack in the middle of phone sex as embarrassing as that is to admit. Kinda realized then that I was actually pushing myself past what I wanted and was comfortable with. I didn't get too much of a chance to discuss it with him because after that there was some death in my family and I was hospitalized for some medical issues. I was a bit of a mess for a while.
Finally, I'm getting back to the point that I feel almost normal again. Except that feeling hasn't gone away yet. I still feel uncomfortable. The thought of it makes me feel sick with myself. The thought of it makes me feel uncomfortable just to think of engaging in it. Whether it's sexting or phone sex or even sexual flirting. We've talked about it and he said he was fine without it, that he didn't mind waiting and holding off a bit on that stuff to give me time to work on myself. Except, he clearly does. I can't blame him, it's understandable. He's hypersexual, any normal sexual drive would have needs and he does have needs beyond just that too. So it's completely reasonable to not be okay with it. I've tried to talk to him about it. Except he always just shuts it down, says hes fine and happy but I can tell hes not cause of how he behaves and talks to me. I've tried ending things with him, cause I didn't feel like it was fair. I feel like an awful girlfriend because I'm not fulfilling his needs sexually. He has said he flirts and jokes sexually more with his friends than me. That's not something I ever wanted to push us towards and I feel guilty about it. I don't really know what to do anymore. I want to be intimate with him, I want to fulfill his needs, I want to make him happy and be a good girlfriend. Except everytime I try, I feel so disgusted with myself and I feel myself starting to panic.i just feel so wrong and disgusted with myself everytime I try. I tried to ignore it but clearly that doesn't work and just builds up. I don't know how to work past it. I really want to. I want to make him happy. He doesn't want to end the relationship and I just want to do my best to make him happy in whatever way I have to. Except, I'm struggling to be intimate. I'm looking on advice on how to work past that.
I know this was a lot to read and I appreciate anyone who actually read through this mess. Honestly, a lot of it is probably jumbled up a bit. I would appreciate any advice or help anyone could offer. Especially anything beyond 'just go to therapy' (cause I promise I would if that were an option for me). I don't think anyone would rather post on reddit than get actual professional, and private help and advice. I don't understand why I feel so uncomfortable and sick with myself. It's not as if I have a negative view of sex or sexting or anything intimate like that, I don't think. I have a drive myself and I feel sexual attraction so idk. I don't know why I feel this way, and why it feels so strong. Honestly, pretty embarrassing to write this out, so I hope I can find a step forward from this at least. Keeping it closed up hasn't done anything for me.