I found the type of women my boyfriend watches online and now I can’t stop comparing myself
Throwaway because my boyfriend knows my main account.
I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (31M) for almost 7 years, living together for around 5 and a half. I don’t usually make posts like this so sorry if this is too long or all over the place.
A few days ago I accidentally found something that completely messed with my head.
We both have our YouTube accounts logged into the TV in our bedroom and switch between them all the time. One night a week ago I started a video and changed it halfway through. The next morning I wanted to continue it, couldn’t find it in my own history, and checked my boyfriend’s account thinking maybe I had watched it in his profile.
Instead I found a lot of reels/videos of Instagram/OF model type girls. It wasn’t just one random video either, there were a bunch watched one after another so it’s clearly something he watches regularly. All the girls had basically the same look: very skinny, huge boobs/ass, fillers, surgeries, perfect makeup/skin, etc.
I know some people are probably going to say “men watch porn” and honestly porn itself is not even the issue for me. Every one watches it. I watch it too.
The reason this hit me so hard is that our relationship has already been struggling physically for a long time. We barely have sex any more and when we do, it feels really disconnected and mechanical. A few months ago during an argument about our sex life, he admitted he’s not as attracted to me as he used to be and even said he usually prefers "taking care of things himself" because it’s “faster and less effort.”
That completely destroyed my confidence.
I’ve struggled with self-esteem and body image issues most of my life. I finally got to a point where I felt mostly okay with myself, and now I feel like all of that progress disappeared again overnight.
I have acne prone skin, dark circles under my eyes, I’m def not skinny, I have almost no boobs, and I also have stage 1 lipedema which already makes me insecure enough as it is. Since finding those videos I feel like I’ve become someone I don’t even recognize. I avoid mirrors, cry constantly, and when we’re out together I catch myself comparing myself to every attractive woman around us wondering if that’s what he actually wants.
The part that especially bothers me is that he’s VERY vocal in real life about making fun of women who look like that. He’ll joke about fillers, botox, fake bodies, etc and say how ridiculous it looks. He also jokes that I’m “lucky” because instead of watching women online he supposedly just likes to watch random slime/wax videos.
So now I feel weird knowing he’s actually looking at the exact type of women he makes fun of when he is with me.
I think another thing bothering me is how personal it feels. It’s not random, he is thinking of these women and searching them. Clearly he has a type, and it doesn’t feel like it’s me any more.
What’s weird is that I don’t even feel anger towards him. Mostly sadness and disappointment. Like the image I had of him changed overnight, and now I can’t unsee it.
Outside of this issue, we built an entire life together. We plan and progress together, we adopted two beautiful dogs, he helps supports me financially while I finish university because I started my degree later in life and I work part time as a server. In that and many other ways he still feels like my person.
I don’t WANT this to become a dealbreaker. But I also don’t know how to move past it. I can’t control what someone does privately, and honestly I don’t want to. Even if he promised to stop watching those videos I don’t think it would magically fix how I feel now.
I kept hoping these feelings would calm down after a few days but instead I just feel worse and worse mentally.
Has anyone dealt with something similar before? How did you move past it, if you did?
TL;DR:
I found my boyfriend’s viewing history full of Instagram/OF model content during a time where our intimate life is already struggling badly, and he previously admitted he’s less attracted to me than before. Now I can’t stop comparing myself to those women and I feel like it completely changed both my self-esteem and the way I see him.