Hi
English is not my native language, so I apologize for any errors and for the length of this text.
I've been with my boyfriend for years. We're both in our late twenties, and we have made plans for the future, but I am no longer sure if there really is one for us.
Our relationship started very turbulently, for both of us. Over time, I developed an emotional dependence on him and began to believe that I would never find anyone better, that he was the person who had done the most for me, and that if I left him, I would be lost. He often says that I don't know how to handle my own life and that I make bad decisions. I understand what led him to think that, because I made many immature mistakes in the past. I used to constantly seek validation, and that bothered him. I've improved as a person, but to do so I ended up adapting to his behavior, which was the worst mistake I ever made.
He's a good person in many ways, but he gets irritated easily, is very distrustful, and tends to overreact. His relationship with his mother wasn't healthy either. He took care of her, but they were often rude and verbally aggressive with each other. Because of his difficult childhood, I overlooked much of his behavior and ended up trapped in a toxic cycle.
I've suffered heavy insults, verbal and psychological abuse. I've witnessed his fits of rage and have been humiliated and belittled many times by his words. The worst part is that I can't stop blaming myself, even though I hate it when he blames me for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. I can't imagine what my life would be like without him. Despite everything, he can be loving, intelligent, and responsible at home. I want to have children someday, and I'm afraid that because of my age and financial situation, I'll never be able to build a family.
I feel terrible for not being able to set firm boundaries and for softening everything I say to him. It's not exactly fear. I don't even know how to define it. I feel weak, as if I'm choosing to lower my head. What kind of person does that to themselves?
Recently, I started reflecting on all of this. I began to think about what it would mean to have children with someone who doesn't fully respect me. I realized that I like being alone, that I'm too depressed to deal with these situations, and that I want to change my life, study more, and do things he discouraged me from doing. He made me afraid of the world and took away what little self-love I had. He used to encourage me professionally, but this toxic dynamic drained all my motivation. He doesn't understand this and thinks it's just laziness.
What makes it even harder for me to leave are the animals. He has six cats and a dog that we share. He likes them, but his attention is mainly focused on the dog. He doesn't clean the litter boxes often enough, doesn't supervise them properly, and wakes up late. When something goes wrong, like a cat using the wrong spot, he blames me, even though it's clearly due to his negligence. The dog is more his, but I've become very attached to him. I love that dog. The problem is that I can't take any of them with me.
I end up making up for everything he fails to do, and I've gotten used to being a safe haven for these animals. I know that's not the only reason I stay. I still care deeply about him, but I don't know if I can handle going back to square one after so many years. I struggle with anxiety and emotional dependence, and lately I've been escaping reality through constant daydreams, which is affecting my productivity and daily life.
I really need advice. Please understand that this isn't as simple as just walking away.
Tl;dr: emotional dependence and intense attachment to the boyfriend and animals.