I have to look after my aging mother while being retraumatized and abused by her
My mother recently broke her foot. I was trying to go LC after I had a realization that she was severely abusive to me my whole life and I just normalized it. I'm suicidal and experiencing flashbacks.
Yesterday I told her I didn't feel well, timidly and weakly since I'd had a really extremely traumatic week and she lost her shit at me saying "Fuck this shit, I have to go to the fucking doctor but when something happens to *you* blah blah" implying I wasn't seeing a doctor (she called earlier that day while I was getting bloodwork but like every time she doesn't listen). She raged at me a bit more while I helped get some things settled for the evening and i felt weak and depleted. I couldn't even respond knowing she wouldnt care anyway. Meanwhile I was reliving moments in my life she'd done exactly the same thing. Always raging at me when I was upset or crying or in pain.
She's been like this my whole life. She invalidates my pain every chance she gets and makes it about her. I'm emotionally invisible to her.
Later she called and said, Oh I'm so worried about you. *whines* I'm not going to be able to live without you if something happens to you. *Fake sobbing* Promise you'll go see someone. *Whines* My foot won't get better if something happens to you. I love you. Me: "Ok mom. Yes I will. I love you." Mom: *whines* "I love you." Me: *monotone* "I love you."
I am fucking dead inside. I can't express how torturous it is have to look after or be in her presence and to force myself to mask so she doesn't rage at my pain day in and day out.
"Mama only gets frustrated cause she's worried," she whispered in my ear as a child while I slept after she raged at me. My life is a never-ending nightmare.