My boyfriend (23m) and I (21f) have been dating for almost a year now. We met online and I saw in his profile that he’s in the army - I should’ve just swiped left. I come from a family that’s very anti-military and very female centric. My mom is the matriarch, she’s also a doctor, and my sisters and I have always been taught to be financially independent and that we don’t need a man. I dislike military culture because it undermines my core beliefs. I thought that being around that culture and seeing it firsthand would change my mind (maybe I have some misconceptions about military culture, maybe it’s not actually like that) but the more time goes on, the more my beliefs about the military are confirmed. My bf and I were moving way too fast (as most military couples do) and we almost broke up because of it. He was ready to get a house together and said he already knew how he wanted to propose. I needed us to move a lot slower. I don’t want to be one of those military couples that get married right away (because it’s financially incentivized) and get a divorce like a year later. All of his friends (also in the military, he has no non-military friends) got married within a year and divorced/had an affair within another year. Not only do I take issue with military couples moving way too fast, but I also don’t want to be financially dependent on a man.
I understand why he joined the military and I really do sympathize with it. He came from a really rough family situation and saw the military as his only escape (like so many others do - that’s how they get you, the system is fucked). He’s not your typical army guy - he’s very liberal and woke, our values align, and he also agrees that the military is a cult. Yet he still upholds it. He wants to get out (he has two years left on his contract) but I’m not sure if he actually wants to get out or if he’s doing it because I want him to get out (he knows I have such strong negative feelings towards the military). He claims it’s just a job to him but he’s been in for nearly 6 years now and it really is a lifestyle. But that’s what happens when you’re apart of the military; he sold his soul to Uncle Sam and now this is his whole life. And he’s aware of that, but I guess he’s okay with it. Okay enough to have stayed in this long. He works in military intelligence and told me part of his job is finding people (terrorist) to bomb. When he told me that, I felt sick. That’s abhorrent. I wanted to ask him, “how do you sleep at night?”.
I should’ve never gotten into a relationship with a military guy in the first place - it’s against my morals and now I feel like I’ve betrayed myself for breaking that. But it’s too late now. I’m already in this relationship and I do really love him as a person and he’s such a great boyfriend. He makes me so happy, we do everything together, he is the sweetest, kindest, most patient person ever. He puts in so much care and effort. I would feel horrible breaking up with him “just because of his job”. I feel so conflicted about this - and yes, I’ve talked to him about this cognitive dissonance, but there’s nothing he can really do about it. It is what it is. He is who he is. And there’s no changing that, I can’t go back in time 6 years ago and stop him from joining. The only thing I can do now is either make peace with it or leave. Is this something I can overcome? Is this something I can be okay with?