Preface: This is more o a rant kind of post, honestly.
My ex and I had been together for almost 14 yrs (broke up once and then got back together) before he broke up with me in June 2025. Since then, it's been a roller coaster back and forth between us; he got a new gf a wk after we broke up (before anyone comes at him for that, we were both at fault for the breakup and everything). My ex and I stayed in contact on and off, and etc and I was still hoping that he would come back to me as well. I had been drinking more than I ever did in my years, my work suffered for it (I changed jobs, but still), and my mental health took such a toll that some days, therapy helped, other days.....just.....have to push through it.
This month is his birthday and he got me a present for my birthday so I decided to make him presents (I prefer to craft the presents than buying them) and it was supposed to be the last time we'll see each other, I had even bid him goodbye and then last night he called me to ask me for a device that he bought for me for emergency uses (like flat tires, flashlight, charging phones, etc) and before this, I got really drunk one night and just started spamming him food places so that he and his gf can go to them for dates. And he pretty much reprimanded me for supporting him and his current relationship because he sees that as me hurting myself too. Yeah, I most likely was, but unfortunately, that's the kind of person I am; I'm more supportive of others than I am of myself. Bottomline is, after giving him the device, I basically ended the convo with a text claiming that he doesn't love me anymore, that he wouldn't even get back together with me (he said that himself too) and that no matter how much I love him, he won't feel the same either. He says he still cares about me and wants me to find my own happiness.
When I see a new food opening or something I like, he's the first person I think of to share with and it just....kills me and leaves me with new waves of despair and depression and stuff.
My stupid butt probably shouldn't have made those claims, he read the messages but didn't reply back, so I guess that's saying something too? I've gone through therapy, no-contact, kept myself as busy as possible, listened to my music almost all the time, went on a couple of runs, been drinking more, just....time isn't on my side and even despite the contact between the two of us and now that I have stopped all contact, I just.....I still love him and I just want that to o away. I just want to be able to see him as someone who was in my life for all the good and the bad; I don't want to keep seeing him as someone who I TRULY wanted to be with, someone who I still have extremely strong feelings of love or, someone who I can still see my future with. I want to look at him with affection, but not romantic affection, I want to look at him and think fondly of him, but still have been able to move on.....
Maybe this will turn better, since I have now officially cut things off.....LOL
Thank you for reading my rant. I'm open to questions and advise, but please, within reason. Lool thank you again!