She was everything to me. She showed me a kind of love I had never, ever experienced, that love was all about patience, understanding, empathy and laughing at all the little things you both experience together, and how marvelous they are. A year ago we met each other and since then we built something unforgettable.
Now I'm 22 and I feel like I lost my only shot at my soulmate.
I'm heartbroken and in deep suffering because I know it was all about my own mistakes. She loved me when I was a bum living with my parents with almost no income, but I didn't; I hated myself, so much so that I got into drugs (reckless use of medication) to try and escape reality and sedate my constant feelings of self loathing. And she didn't like that. I promised her I was going to stop but had an ugly relapse; did so much stupid shit my parents got me in a mental hospital for a month, and only widened the distance between us. She got sick and tired of me and broke up with me as soon as I left.
It's good to note we had also broken up once before because of my relentless nagging and jealousy; I didn't trust her enough to believe she wouldn't cheat on me, and while I do have a bad history of being cheated on, in reality much of it came from projecting my own intrusive thoughts and potential to be a dick.
She really loved me and showed continuous support for me and I repayed her with lies, I tried to present an image for her that I was someone I wasn't and tried to hide my mistakes instead of asking her for help, only to realize she knew all about them and still loved me anyway.
It's only been a week since then and I already feel like I can't go on like this; the regret is eating me inside every waking moment, I did so much stupid shit and was an absolute asshole.
I feel like I don't deserve a second chance even for myself. Even if we never get back together again, I feel like I deserve to feel like this forever.