My local indie band is looking for a 5th member-the venerable 4 string banjo player. Someone who likes bands like The Scratch, or even Heilung. You don't have to be the most seasoned banjo player, even better if you bought your banjo online. Ideally, you'll live in ward 3. It should make practice easier. I don't want anyone taller than me so please be like 5'10" or something. Dirty blonde hair should blend well with our current hair composition. The band as it current stands doesn't really have any tattoos, and we've been really thinking we need to up our ink game. So if you have more tattoos than the average elder millenial, that'll be a plus. Perhaps Celtic shit. Maybe some Polynesian shit. Arms and legs and stuff. We'd prefer if you didn't dress like a fed at the rallies, but we'll make an exception if you're willing to avoid that look for any gigs. And we are absolutely not looking for a fitness podcaster or similar podcast bro. However tabletop podcasting could be okay.
I know this person probably doesn't exist. Maybe it's too much to ask for more. But as strict as my requirements may seem, I will happily make an exception to all of them for a banjo player who is a 3rd or 4th degree black belt in Kajukenbo or related Polynesian martial art.
Please, if this banjo player exists, don't hesitate to reach out. It'll take the perfect person to fill this role, we just hope we can find them.