How do i dela with my overly complicated Mother?
Long time lurker,first time poster. Before I get into it,I need to add extremely important context.
My mom is my dad's stepmom's niece,they grew up in the same house with no supervision and had me at 15/16. After me,my mom had more kids with different baby daddies and never quite found her footing in life,that and the fact that we barely ever had a relationship. When I was younger she only called on my birthday and I later found out that people had to tell her to call me,at 14 I was being forced to make an effort to have a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to care,like I could tell that she wasn't as invested as she should be(still isn't really). Around 2017,she met this man who's a tad younger than her and they shacked up(despite her parents wishes and warning,no one ever liked him) they've had three kids together and live like a common law couple. The thing is,she's a bit older,has 4 kids from previous relationships and we each have our own dad.
We don't live in the same province(btw,we are african) so sometimes I visit,last time I did i found out how horrible he actually is because my mom is a victim of DV,everyone and their momma has told her to leave but she tells people that that's just how marriage works(wtf????)
The issue:
Last year I got my first job(I'm 23 and the eldest) i told her and she was super excited,in my culture,you have to give some money or a gift to some of the people closest to you or just your parents and grandparents,to ensure your job is blessed and you make more money. I did this but then she asked to borrow money from me and that made me uncomfortable because this isn't the first time,I felt weird about it for a while and then found out that my sister(third born) who had been "acting" up in recent months,actually had solid reasons for doing so. Our mom keeps making babies and expecting us to take care of each other and neglect our own lives considering she can barely afford to take care of us all(mind you,there are 7 of us and she has custody of 5) and then my sister runs away because she can't take the pressure and my mom goes out of her way to talk shit about my sister to me and my other sister(second born) and literally anyone you'll listen. She actually talks shit about all of us if we don't act the way she wants us to. I had basically cut contact with her the past 6 months because I have my own problems to deal with but she doesn't care and I refuse to tell her.
Now she told the whole damn family and I'm being pulled left and right about not talking to her,not giving her support and whatever but she's borrowed money from the whole family,why? Because her husband is now unemployed,controls her money and barely gives her a cent to feed the kids(he drinks the money away) I wish I could just take my younger siblings but I don't even have a job right now and I refuse to get involved in her drama, there's not much I can even do.
She once didn't talk to me for s whole year because I told her that her husband is a bad person,she doesn't care about the kids,she cares about what people will say since she was so many kids.
People keep telling me that I should do something but dude,I have my own life to deal with,she wants to live like that so be it. What the hell am i gonna say to a nearly 40 year old who thinks she's right and does nothing wrong? She needs therapy and to leave that man but she won't do neither. I just want people to leave me out of it,I don't hate but I'm pretty neutral towards my parents,they are incredible questionable people.