Advice with my partner
Hey guys, this will be a little long but I could really use some advice as I don’t actually know anybody who is polyamorous in real life.
Me (F25) and my partner (M30) have been together for just over two years. I love him very much and we genuinely have a really amazing relationship. When I first got together with him I had previously been in a relationship with another man who knew from the start that I was polyamorous and later in our relationship decided he wasn’t okay with me pursuing that. My ex had told me that he thought I would change my mind once we got serious and I put up with it for a long time but on top of a lot of other issues we had, we ended up breaking up. I had actually had feelings for my current partner for a year at that time and we got together very shortly after.
I was super honest with my partner about being polyamorous and what that means for me. I want the freedom to pursue other relationships if me and another person hit it off but I am not seeking out other relationships. My ideal fantasy would be to live on a piece of property with my partners and their partners that are committed to each other as a family. (If anyone is familiar with the book series the expanse, think of Holden’s parents and how they live Lol). I understand that it may never happen like that because a lot would have to work out right but that’s the vibe I am going for. I have always struggled with wanting family and have a very chaotic family so in a way that is my desire, to create a family.
He was very open to that and also said that pretty much matched what he wanted as well. So far so good. He had really encouraged me to date women as I am pansexual and have never been with a woman (he is straight). I have tried but unfortunately I tend to fall for women who either aren’t into me or aren’t into polyamory 😅 there have been several women I have been into over the past two years but nothing has worked out seriously.
Well I recently met a guy that I would be interested in going out with and seeing if we hit it off. We have good chemistry and it is the first guy I have been interested in since dating my current partner. The guy knows we are poly and seems interested. Well when I mentioned this to my partner, his knee jerk reaction was very negative. It went on for a bit of me just not really understanding where he stood on it and being disappointed that the first person that I may actually be able to date is off limits and it seems to be due to his gender.
I spoke with my partner today about it very bluntly and he told me he doesn’t like the idea of me dating men because it makes him feel insecure and uncomfortable. I tried to question this because of our conversations back when we first got together that I never thought had changed and he said that since we had started talking about marriage and children as a serious thing in our near future, that changed things for him and that he was open to me dating women first to really see how he felt about it but that men were a no go really.
This really upset me and I told him that I don’t know why I keep being honest about who I am and what I want and people say it’s okay just to get it turned around on me. He knew everything about my previous relationship and was so critical of it yet is doing the same thing. I am generally a very sacrificing person and he is constantly telling me that I need to stand my ground on things I want and I told him that I feel like nobody every really sacrifices their comfort for mine the way I do for everyone around me (I am the oldest of a very large family and am very involved in caring for most of them).
He then seemed to understand and told me that he would not tell me that I’m not allowed to date other people and I told him that I just want him to think about it and I want to talk about this and see if we can work through his feelings.
It ended there but I guess long story short my question is… how can I help him work through these feelings? I don’t want to go date someone that he is super uncomfortable with because that’s a quick way to ruin our relationship… but I feel it’s very unfair of him to just say no. I am thinking about bringing up possible couples counseling? I understand his feelings 100% but I just don’t know how we can best work through this and come out on the other side with neither of us harboring any resentment.
Thank you for reading and any advice would be great!