Disassociation from my body
I was sexually assaulted and r*ped (not sure if i’m allowed to say the word) multiple times in late october/early november. I was put on lexapro for a while because I was feeling a lot of brain fog and lack of feeling which only made it worse. Any time I talked about it I couldn’t feel anything. I knew what I wanted to feel but it wasn’t manifesting. It took me months to really process and accept what had happened. Now that i’ve been taken off lexapro a lot of feelings are starting to come in and I still feel so confused. I feel like my body isn’t mine. I feel so uncomfortable in my body. I’ve never hated my body so much in my life, I hate showering, I hate taking my clothes off, I can’t even look in the mirror without feeling so disgusted. It feels like I left my actual body in that room where he assaulted me and this one is some sort of replica, if that makes any sense. I hate this and I don’t feel like I can tell my friends because i’m sure they wouldn’t really understand. I often don’t feel like i’m in my body at all. All of these feelings are rushing in after months of not being able to feel at all and I don’t know what to do. I guess I just came to this subreddit to know if anyone else has felt this way. I am working on this with my therapist and have talked about it and I’ve let my psychiatrist know as well. I don’t want to feel this anymore and I’m sure it’ll take time for me to get better but I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to cope with all the new feelings suddenly coming back after months of amnesia and anhedonia. I hate wearing tight clothes or showing skin, I hate being around men.