I have diagnosed anxiety and ADHD. Not medicated, and i have not been going to therapy because of money problems.
This week was the first in months that i bathed 5 times. Personal care is not a problem, not hygeine at least. But other than that I dont see any reason to do anything. I sleep most my days. I only do things to please my parents, run any chores that they might want me to.
Subsequently this week, i found out what I want to do in life, something that actually pleasesme, because before this I had just been studying/attempting to study a conventional STEM trajectory. Back then, I really had no goals in life at all, or a reason to get out of bed.
I went through a breakup two weeks ago. I believe that is what made me actually find out what I want to do in life. My parents are supportive of it, despite it being a waste of their money. They only want me to be happy, they say. They want it so bad that when I "feel" or "look" sad, there is almost always a fight at home. And if I cry, over anything, and they catch me doing that, they say very harsh stuff.
Their expectation of me being happy, and the momey they spend on me is why I get out of bed at all, anyway. I do it because they do not like it when I do not do certain chores or act sad. I only socialise by the force of my parents, if ever, because I get scolded if I do not. I feel very unpeaceful when I do not do what they want, and I only want peace.
I do not think my parents are that big of a deal, these days. I just notice how their actions and words affect my mood, and my personality, overall. I do not care for it, and I am happy that they exist, and believe that I would be dead if not for them. Lately, I have been sadder about my first heartbreak.
I did some introspection and realised that I got used to some extent, and that I was just begging to be loved everyday, from my partner. I feel unworthy of love, and feel zero need for self-care now that they are gone. I only ever dressed up to show them. I do not feel it is necessary to put on nice clothes or makeup because I am too ugly to take pictures anyway, and besides I do not really look good in anything.
I sleep most my days, when I can, not running chores. My parents usually tell me that I won't be able to do something that I tell them I want to try doing. This is a pattern with everything and anything I have literally ever done. It is not like they wont let me try it, but they will establish that I will fail at it.
I think my parents are correct so I do not really care for my goals. I do not have any active life goals.
I am exhuasted. I don't see a reason to live.