Is it time to end our relationship?
My girlfriend (26F) and I (28M) have been together for 4 years. We met in music school. This year, she changed careers to be a car saleswoman. She is doing really great. She is a wonderful person, and I love her very dearly. She comes from an Islamic country but does not practice Islam, though her parents are very Muslim but they live thousands of miles away and aren’t able to get to America. I am agnostic. Religion is not a huge concern for our relationship.
However. I am still a musician, and the band I’ve started is starting to do really well. My band is touring more and more, and every time we do, our audience size triples. Our Spotify hit over a million plays, and it really feels like everything is really paying off and my dreams are close to coming true. This means I have to travel a lot more, as I have been.
But my girlfriend wants to settle down now. We live 3 hours away. I drive to visit her whenever I can, but she works 12 hour days and is free only one day a week, and often our schedules don’t align. She is really losing patience with the long distance, and wants me to move near her. But my band lives here, and I live with my brother who is also in the band. We also share a house that holds all of our music equipment.
Another complication is I don’t have much money at the moment. I quit my 6-figure job because it was soul sucking, in order to take a risk and pursue this dream full time. I have a music YouTube channel with 200K subscribers, and in the past I used to make a lot of money with it till I took that 6-figure job and paused my channel. I can bring things back slowly but surely through giving online lessons, starting an online academy, accepting sponsorship requests and cranking out videos again. But right now my attention is really on this band.
But my girlfriend’s impatience is really increasing. She is making great money at her new job. She is surrounded by other high-earning men at her job constantly trying to pursue her. I am blessed she has been rejecting them and staying loyal. But, she has been breaking up with me repeatedly this month, but always calls me shortly after seeing if we can work something out. But no solution seems to satisfy her, other than me moving to her city or getting engaged. But there are a few problems with this. One, I wouldn’t be able to move in till 6 months from now, due to my upcoming tour schedule. She said she can’t wait this long anymore. It’s now or never. Two, my gut is really resistant to the idea of getting engaged when we have been in long distance since we graduated music school (so about 2 years of long distance now). I would like to move in first to see how our dynamic is. But she is really hesitant of moving in with a man she is not engaged with, as her Muslim family would never approve this and they mean everything to her. And if I were to move to her city, I give up my band setup and this perfect house that supports what I do, and having my musician brother who I have been building this vision with for the past year as my roommate, and I’d be moving to a city that is a major downgrade in terms of the music scene and my opportunities would go down drastically.
I feel a lot of pressure. I really love her so much. But I feel like to move to her would be sacrificing a lot, especially to do it for someone who has been breaking up with me so frequently lately. Even if I move near her, I’ll be alone for the majority of it, as she works 12 hour work shifts. I will just be stuck to my laptop screen, alone. It also took a lot of effort to find a house I could split rent with that wouldn’t receive noise complaints for my music. If I move to her city, I would most likely need to find a single room apartment (because to move in with her means I have to be engaged with her) which is very likely to limit my music aspirations because of noise complaints (a huge problem I had in NYC).
I feel so bad. She is ready for the next step now. My mind knows that I should move if I want to take things to the next level. But my gut feels sick to my stomach at the thought of it. There is so much risk. I’d be giving up a lot. Even when we lived near each other in music school, we had a lot of other problems where she broke up with me a lot due to Muslim culture differences (I am American). But we have this attachment issue because the love is real. Even today, she broke up with me, and I just let her. Then after an hour, I felt so sick, I called her back and she said she just needs some space to think.
This is really complicated for me. People say “with the right one, things will just feel right.” It doesn’t feel right yet, even if I don’t fully understand why. I believe one day it could feel right. But she doesn’t want to wait any longer. This is something I feel really uncomfortable being rushed. Other people say “if you love her, you’ll fight.” Well we have been doing long distance for 2 years. All of this feels like a long fight. And all these fights lately are so painful on my heart and mental health, I feel like I am going to get more gray hairs from all of this stress.
How do I know if breaking up is the right choice? How do I know if I should just take the risk and move, and give up everything? Is love not enough? Or is my love not strong enough? Am I being selfish? If so, is it wrong? Is me giving up these things and feeling resentment for it later the righteous thing to do?
I’ve never experienced a breakup that didn’t have to do with some sort of betrayal or something where the ending was very obviously necessary. This is totally different. I love this girl to death. She is so one of a kind. Like, if by some miracle, she found a car dealership in my city, I would be so happy. But she seems very content at her job, and she is doing really well financially there. It looks like she doesn’t want to give that up either. But she says I am the man and I should be the one that makes things happen.
Sigh. I don’t know what to do. Any perspectives out there would be much appreciated.
TL;DR - My relationship is at a crossroads due to sudden change in life paths, and I am hoping to read perspectives from people wiser than me.