My first time having a boy over. He is straight.
Just to be clear, we are JUST FRIENDS. He has a GIRLFRIEND and expressed NO DESIRE FOR MEN in general (and maybe a little homophobic too… yikes.)
I woke up to a text today from my classmate, we’ll call him “Garold”. Garold thought there was school today and didn’t check our schedule, but he didn’t want to go home to his arguing family. I hesitantly (but also kind of eagerly) offered him to stay over at my place for a bit, and he was open to the idea first.
I had a crush on Garold since the start of college. We somehow got to know each other and instantly clicked. But I’m not gonna lie, he is a bit of a red flag. He was an emotional rollercoaster from the start, and if I heard this guy from a friend of mine? I’d advise them to stay the hell away and cut him off immediately.
But here I am, spent the morning with the guy, jamming to some music and playing some video games and… it was quite nice. We didn’t do anything naughty of course, we just hung out like casual friends. Well, I won’t lie I was hoping for something. But I wanted to stay firm in my boundaries and his and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable by initiating anything, also staying respectful to his girlfriend.
Of course if I’m being honest, I was so nervous when he was finally in my room. I couldn’t even look at him afraid I might give away my feelings. We talked about random nonsense, didn’t listen to the virtual meeting of our professor at all, and even ate breakfast together. I cooked some noodles for me and him, and in return he bought me some soft drinks. This was a rare generosity I never see from him, usually he’s just taking things from me…
Not gonna lie, I wasn’t acting like my usual self. I was being loud, and kinda annoying. I don’t know if he noticed or even minded, but he was more quiet when it was just the two of us. In school, we would usually banter until the professor gave us looks of judgement lmao. But here, he barely made a peep. Maybe it’s just courtesy of visiting? I don’t know. I really hope I didn’t make him uncomfortable.
I had a lot of fun today. It was nice to just not be on my own for once. I was so used to the silence of my own room that being with someone, especially my crush, it was just… made me so happy and excited. It was almost addicting.
…Now I know what you’re gonna say… “But Anthony, Garold is 100% straight and even has a girlfriend!”
Yes, yes I know. I already cried about that. A few times.
I can’t help what I feel for him. Garold makes me feel like I belong somewhere… like I’m meant to be here and not just some invisible loser.
But I know where I stand. And I really just want to be friends. I know he can’t reciprocate my feelings. And that’s okay.
…God… that feels hard to say LMFAO!
But I’m not expecting anything like reciprocation from him. I just… wanted to feel less alone, less lonely. Even for a little bit.
I lied to him that I’m moving schools. He said he would stay in our university if I was still there (I don’t know if it was a joke or just a poor excuse to stay in a shitty school lol) so if I tell him I’m moving… then maybe he’ll find a different school and we’ll both go our separate ways. And, if he still chooses the same university and same course, I’m just going to enroll early and get in a different section from him lol.
I know it’s wrong to stay friends because I still like him. But I also don’t want to be stuck with my one-sided admiration. Confessions won’t really do us any good. So eventual space is the best for both of us. (Well, mostly for me LMAO.)
I actually don’t know if I should tell him I was gay for him. He might have a heart attack or… beat me to a pulp… plus he seems the type to spread things and I’m still very much tucked in the closet.
I honestly never expected this side of myself.
Ganito pala ako magmahal. ❤️