u/Another_throwaway446

Okay so at this point it’s happened enough that it’s a real pattern. I have always had insomnia and trouble sleeping. I’ve pulled all-nighters many, many times throughout my life. I know it’s not healthy but it just happens sometimes. But I’ve noticed something strange: if I pull an all-nighter before a day of big exertion, I do not crash in the following days??

It’s known thing that sleep deprivation can mask CFS symptoms. Because being severely sleep deprived pumps your body with adrenaline. So that part is to be expected. But what confuses me, is that the effect is “true.” As in, there is no rebound. I just don’t crash. Three days ago I had my tilt table test for POTS, unfortunately I couldn’t sleep because I was so nervous. It screwed up the results because the sleep deprivation also dampened my autonomic response. But I also walked 2x my regular steps, rode in the car for 2 hours (which has always crashed me in past), was upright for 10 minutes for the test, and ate fast food afterwards breaking my diet, and I just…recovered. Felt like shit that day, slept, woke up, normal ever since. No PEM. That’s one example but it’s happened several times before. I had been couch bound for 10 months, but on a whim begged my friend to take me down to the ocean. Again, so nervous I didn’t sleep. I sat upright for 2 hours on a bench and with her and talked until I stopped being able to form sentences. Usually, that’s a really bad sign. But that time, I just went home, slept, woke up fine, zero blowback.

It’s so odd. It makes me wonder about the process of PEM. Like maybe it is some kind of immune response, and having a different crisis (the sleep deprivation) distracts my immune system? Or maybe the chemicals that my body makes to try to make up for the lack of sleep, also makes up for the broken energy processes in my body?

I’m definitely not advocating anyone try to test this, I would never do it purposefully. But it’s really weird when it happens.

I’ve only ever been with one person. It was a year and a half relationship and we started saying I love you pretty early on. I truly felt it. Sometimes I would stare into their eyes and feel so overwhelmed with love that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I was extremely heartbroken when it ended.

But I’ve heard all these things about what “real” love is and isn’t, and it’s making me unsure. Because it was not a smooth relationship. It had a lot of issues the whole time. I often felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore and needed to break things off. Not because of them being terrible or anything, but just because we were both very needy, and wore each other out.

Now I don’t know how to determine if I’ve ever experienced love or not. I remember the moment I “realized” I was in love with them, and I did not doubt it at the time. Not one bit. I’d heard that when you know, you just know. And I did, or so I thought. But it didn’t feel like this giant, soul-enlightening thing. It didn’t make the sun shine brighter or birds sing prettier (I felt that way at the very beginning of our relationship, when I was giddy all the time, but that was before I felt I was in love).

Some have told me that it’s not real love if you don’t feel totally secure in the relationship. I never felt totally secure. We kind of knew it would end from the beginning because of our life situations. But I feel the loss of them in my heart still, three years later. So why would I feel that ache if it wasn’t love? It’s honestly just so confusing and I just wish I could understand for sure so that I know if I’m supposed to be searching for an even better feeling or if I’m just supposed to look for that feeling again. I have mild OCD and sensory processing disorder so it’s possible that just makes it more confusing for me also.

It’s kind of stupid because I wasn’t having a lot of sex before. So far in my life I haven’t even kissed someone I’m not in love with. I hadn’t been with anyone for a whole year when I got sick. But the thing is…I was always passively *hoping* for it, and fantasizing about it. Getting excited when I met someone new who was attractive. Getting to flirt with random strangers, have fun conversations with customers and then all my coworkers go “ooooh they were hitting on you.” Meeting a girl at a concert and letting her take me out. Crushing on my friends. Just the world buzzing with possibilities. I spent so much time building the confidence to see myself as sexually desirable, I never did anything in high school, I’ve only ever been with two people and I had so much more of myself to explore. It’s all I think about. I’ve always been a horny romantic lol. It’s no fucking fun yearning if nothing could plausibly come from the yearning. I’m so bored I just can’t stand it. I’ve sexted people a few times online just to try to feel something but that shit is just kinda sad and the people have always ended up being it great. And I rarely have the energy for that anyways. I’m so depressed about it. I have so many fantasies that have never been fulfilled. Even simple things like someone else making me climax on their own without my having to finish the job. But also more deeply held stuff. I see myself as such a sexual being, this is gonna sound stupid but I feel like sex is poetry and I had so much poetry to live out and I just don’t get to. I’m sad. I just want out.