I need some help on this one
I (26M) am autistic and unable to live on my own. My parents have been separated for 10 years. In those ten years my father has moved in with my aging grandparents while my mother has been on her own. The separation was amicable and my parents still have enough of a relationship with no real bitterness after 30 years in one another’s life.
It came to my attention some years back that my father has been making improvements to the house solely for the purpose of having his parents move upstairs to the main floor while I remain in the basement suite as their caretaker, all the while he would be moving to a completely different continent with his new GF. There are just a few problems with that plan, however:
I have troubles with taking care of MYSELF some days, let alone a pair of constantly bickering elderly people. I can’t drive. I don’t know how to cook. Despite my positive relationship with my grandfather, my grandmother on the other hand I’ve never head the words ‘thank you’ out of.
The next set of problems: I didn’t hear about this from my father, I head about it from my mother. I have two younger brothers, one of which is in a relationship. If I couldn’t take care of my grandparents, my dad was going to shift to little bro and gf instead. Littlest brother isn’t even on the table. We are all over 18. Middle brother has already moved out to his own place.
Now that we have the necessary information out of the way, let’s go over recent events. Grandpa, over the past 5 months, has taken a serious turn for the worst. Broke a hip and is still recovering from that with screws and a cane, and has been falling, losing balance, and getting confused much more frequently lately. While all of this has been going on, Dad has been remodelling the entire upstairs and working so much that, from approximately 5 am, he may get home at 8PM at the latest. *I* have fully moved in with my mother, where I know I am valued, and my mental health has begun getting better.
I’m someone who likes to help, and when things got really bad with granddad I went over to try and help ease the stress as much as I could. Dad leaves to look at homes with gf at a different place in town, doesn’t tell me if he’ll be back at all. (He was never good at communicating to begin with.) which effectively forced me into being the caregiver of my grandparents during a recent short stay. His GF tells me that there’s always a place for me in the place they’re looking at, even knowing I’m full time with mom.
Now, you’re probably wondering: ‘Why don’t you set your boundaries firmly with your dad? You’re 26, you should be able to do this.’ Dad was physically and verbally abusive with me and my siblings growing up and with my heightened emotional states as is thanks to pre-existing autism, as stated above, I can barely even speak to him about a serious issue without tearing up.
Lastly, the issue: My grandparents are basically going to be abandoned by my father, the one person who should be taking care of them and had the ability to do so, for his gf of a few years. He’s probably convinced himself that I’m still going to be around him or that his plan is going to work out somehow. If I continue my limited contact ways, then I may as well be in the dark with the state my grandpa’s in. However, I also won’t be volunteered to do whatever they want, whenever they want without regards to me or my time. I can’t help but want to help, even knowing it would be shit for my mental and knowing I’ll be with my grandma and dad in watching grandpa withering. Why can’t we put him in a home? They want to see what a doctor says first. In other words, my dad’s side of the family is built on stubbornness and a sense of entitlement but I still love my granddad enough to want to be there.