AITA for dumping my friend when she needs me, but there is no room for my needs
I (f31) hope you can give me clarity, because I don't know anymore.
Jill (34f) (fake name) is my formely best friend. Her boyfriend (fake name Jack m34) is the best friend of my boyfriend (m34) since they were 16 yo
This story begins with the time we had a lot of contact. Jill had a car accident. Quite a big one, she was fine, but had a whip lash. I know that recovery can take quite a while. A month after her accident we should have a high tea (this was planned before the accident). She still had a lot of headaches and stuff. No problem! We schedule something else. This went one for like a year. I offered to go to her and make everything myself so she could rest if she needed it, but it started to get really hard to even get contact with her. And I stopped trying to schedule the high tea. But I still tried to get contact with her. (I was only searching for contact with her, she never reached out to me)
I tried another year! In that year I suddenly became deaf on one ear. And my balance organ in that ear stopped working. I really could do nothing. And I needed my friend. I tried to contact her. And it is not that she never said anything to me, but the answers were: Ow I am sorry! I am so busy. Let me call you this evening! And then she never called. And she never picked up the phone when I called. I felt so lonely. I don't have many friends. I have cried about this girl. My boyfriend tried to help me, but I needed a girl. (Ofcourse my boyfriend helped me! He was wonderfull! But the story is not about him). I went through it all with my Bf. I am still deaf and also my balance organ will not work again. But I can function again.
Then fast forward to september 2025, Jill called me. Crying. She and Jack had quite the fight. At first I didn't get the story. The last two years Jack had a game addiction that involved in a pornografic addiction, but not for the female body's. He was on Grindr and a lot more. Also he had done a failed suicide. This was al the information i got from that phone call. My Bf had contact with Jack. And things went from bad to worse with Jack and Jill. They held us on the loop with all the therapy they both went through. Jack lived in their camper, he was not aloud in their house, only when Jill said it. We saw that this all was the end of their relationship. They broke each other. We had contact with both with all of this.
In all of this I called with her for hours on my job. And my job wasn't going very well at that moment. I also tried to talk with her about that, but yeah.. the problems with her and Jack were bigger and I getted it. But it didn't helped my mental health
Then they finally made the decision to split up. (This was somewhere in december) Jack asked if he could come over, because he wanted to vent. We said sure. Jill started to send quite agressive massages to me. And when Jack was here, I said that at that moment I put my phone away because I wanted to hear Jack his story. Then she started to guilt me: do you really stop talking to me when he is there? And she started to call, me, Jack and my BF. She was hysteric! I never saw this side of her.
At that moment it wasn't going very well with my mental health. I have gotten the diagnosis ADHD. That explained a lot! My work was crap, my boss was crap and I couldn't find a new job.
The hysteric did not stop and that was the moment I chose myself. In all of this I had to hear everything about, What an asshole Jack was, but my problems weren't that important. I had a talk with her that I am sorry but I couldn't hear it anymore and wanted to focus on myself, because she could'nt be there for me. She understanded it. It was really a good talk. Jack also had heard this. But Jack still came over, but it was more for a beer then to talk. Yes, we still heard things. But minimal. And we kept it to ourselves. And tried not to stand in the middle of it anymore.
Then there was yesterday... I looked at her story on instagram. Nothing special. She tried to sell her sofa and the camper. (Were Jack lived in). She saw that I saw that and then she started: please don't tell Jack. He threatened the guy that tried to sell the camper for them. And told me not to tell him I had contact with her. Sure, no problem. If that helps for the both of you. (This was after 3/4 month of no contact between us two)
And then yesterday evening again a text from her. I was a bad friend and I chose for Jack and not her. She did not wanted to hear about how she did not was there for me, because after two months after her accident she found out about all the Grindr stuff and she wasn't aloud to tell from Jack. He was late at the accident because he was in a dress playing with him self. And that from that moment their relationship was violent (both sides) and now everything sucks..
I never chose between the two. My BF did. I did not. It wasn't that she wasn't aloud to contact me, she was welcome. The same way Jack is welcome here. But I can't get that through her. She wants to see things a certain way, that I can't change. And she made me really angry yesterday. That I have blokked her. I really don't want contact with her now.
So.. AITA?