Going on 8 years together, this year would be our 3rd wedding anniversary.
We were on a long road trip together. Several arguments later, it seems it’s over. She says i make her feel awful, unsafe and that i am the meanest person she’s ever met. Some of that’s anger, some of it’s fair. I could be a better person.
We’ve had disagreements, we’ve been in therapy for most of our relationship. Part of me is relieved to just get away from the stress and anxiety I’ve had about our relationship, but honestly i mostly just want to keep working at it. 95% of the time she’s amazing, 5% of the time we are an unbearable match.
I love her. I am laying in a hotel in Atlanta with our dog, she’s at her sisters. We were meant to stay with them for 3 days.
I just want to go home (Toronto). But even then…what’s next?
I can’t eat, i can’t sleep. This is the worst day of my life. I’m such an idiot for ending up here.
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Someone asked for more detail…then their comment vanished. Here you go:
When i am stressed or frustrated i am abrasive, sharp…not soft. The instances that stand out:
We stayed in an Airbnb. I went for a walk with the dog while she showered and i forgot to lock the door on the way out. Upon return she was crying and telling me she couldn’t trust me with her safety. It felt very strange but i tried to accept the request and moved on.
In a meeting with someone i corrected her: “Andrew suggested we do this trip and i thought it was a great idea” and i replied “well, actually you didn’t like the idea, but you did come around”. She raised this as something that made her feel disrespected and embarrassed. I thought it was just friendly conversation, and actually was good to discuss how things really happen as it’s letting others in. Regardless, the real issue was that when she raised it i was frustrated because she had just been giving me the silent treatment and being cold for the last few hours, i kept asking is there something wrong, she does this thing where she says no and then hours later raises a concern when im finally believing it’s all in my head. So when she finally lets me in my response was “well if you tell the truth to begin with i won’t have to correct you”. Stupid but i did it.
Her brother is currently not speaking with us for an unrelated disagreement. She’s mad at him, but they’re having a kid (just learnt his). As we are meant to stay with her sister the next day, he texts her with this update (it’s obviously been shared with the rest of the family and he knew she was about to find out). Initially i suggest “why don’t we try extend some warmth here and send flowers”. She points out that clearly he only did this because of our expected arrival that evening and she didn’t feel good about it. I too am frustrated because the root of most the issues are all centred around a lack of communication and inability to have a difficult conversation, resulting in an extended period of long and lingering frustrations. So i refer to him as an idiot. I’m told I’m “crossing a line” by insulting her family. I tell her I’m mad and annoyed at this and that he’s behaving like a child. Disagreement continues, i apologize, she doesn’t accept it, end up trying 3 different apologies but each is rejected for being unauthentic. They were authentic. I give a 4th apology which was not authentic, by reciting the exact words she tells me she wants to hear. I then get 2 hours of silent treatment, and when i express I’m frustrated by how this went she is upset and mad and tells me our relationship is over and i can’t seem to learn or grow.
Hope that’s helpful, it feels somewhat helpful to write out. Although I’m sure it’s a mess because i am and it’s 2am.