For the past 5 years I havnt been able to cry in situations where it seems appropriate. Sometimes it makes me feel inhuman. The last time I cried was in highschool when my friend took his own life. A month after that another one of my friends dad took my friends life while he slept. The last two years I had been living with my grandma and great grandma helping take care of them. Last week my grandmother had a stroke while smoking in the garage and wasn’t found until it was too late. Later in the hospital she passed away due to a choice to not leave her on life support considering she was fully braindead. My family was in the room with her, everyone crying about the situation. I feel sorrow for what happened but it does not tend to stick with me in situations. I went home before they decided to pull the plug and started studying for my finals. Later in the day my step mother confronted me saying she wishes I stayed for the end but I said I believe she’s already dead even in life support and didn’t wish to see her take her last cruel breaths being taken off of support.
Today was the funeral, everyone there sobbed and I just couldn’t help but feel alienated for not crying too . The main emotion I felt was disappointment an anger at how bad the embalmer did their job. I feel guilty for not feeling the pain that others do in situations or empathy so to say. I still have other feelings and am able to love people, I have an amazing girlfriend. I’m able to be mad, disappointed,excited, happy, have sexual desires and have material wants etc, but this blockage of empathy, sadness and inability to cry make me feel less human than everyone else I’m around.
I was cheated on in my last relationship and found out breaking up with her the next day. I was confused why my ex was crying receiving a consequence she orchestrated. I took anything I had that belonged to me in her apartment and left without feeling little to no sadness at all. I had more of a sense of relief that I dodged a bullet finding out so soon.
I don’t know how to respond to people crying and my comfort feels very awkward and forced.
I’m confused about this because I’m able to feel other emotions but I’m just not able to cry, have trouble being empathetic, and I’m very insecure about this issue because I feel like others see it too and I feel like it makes me a bad human.