the shortest possible backstory: husband was unhappy with our intimacy levels. Bullied me into opening the marriage. Refused to accept any input from me regarding boundaries or parameters. Turns out he had a gf primed and ready to go instead of just starting out/exploring opening up. I tried to accept it for a few months and gave up.
currently: we've been separated for almost two years. He's lived with his gf the entire time. He is unemployed and still lives off of my dime. Why haven't I proceeded with the actual divorce, you ask? We have a very young kid. I have been desperate to keep the peace to preserve the kid's well being.
edit to clarify & add some details: he feels entitled to me paying for his groceries, health care, phone bill because he was (and still is) the stay at home parent. The only reason he wound up as the stay at home parent was because he was already unemployed and has been chronically underemployed for years prior to us having a kid. Meanwhile I have a career. He uses this against me and calls me sexist for questioning the fairness of financially supporting him while he lives with the gf. He says I blindsided him with the request to end our marriage soooo it's all my fault we're in this situation and it's somehow my responsibility to ensure that our child has the exact same financial resources when she's with him that she does when she's with me. I've been avoiding the actual divorce process because I've been terrified of things getting truly ugly. I hate that my kid is having this experience and at such a young age. I've refrained from labeling the situation as abusive - it's crummy to have to come to terms with that, and it would mean I've failed my kid even further by enabling him and letting things drag out. I do not want him back, I merely mourn the person I thought he was and the life I thought I was going to have.
the ask: Looking to hear from moms especially. Were you in a situation where your ex was riding the line between just a jerk and outright abuse? What got you through it? Need good vibes, strength, anecdotes to keep me on the path to formal divorce. I finally made an appt with a lawyer. I keep saying he's only a jerk to me and no one else so it's ok, it's fine, he's not violent or unsafe to be around. But I'm tired of waiting, and friends and family keep reminding me that abuse comes in a variety of packages - including emotional and financial.