will it ever get better with family
i feel like a huge disappointment to my family and my very few friends. i can’t talk to them even a little bit im completely mute at this point and haven’t talked in years. i’m recently 18 and got a job and ive been trying to talk at work but my voice is so degraded and quiet from years of not using it that nobody can hardly even hear me and i hate hearing myself when i do have to use it. im also a transgender and hate my voice because of that too so im sure that probably makes my perception of my voice worse. i hate how people think i am mentally stunted and treating me as such. because i pick up on every subtle jab at me and every amount of babying like im less-than. i cant even talk to my own parents and sister and im just so ashamed all of the time. i don’t have one friend i vocalize to even a little bit. i can usually talk to complete strangers which makes me feel better but even then, my social skills are extremely lacking and my voice is too quiet. i dont know how ill ever transition in talking to my family again. i feel stupid sometimes even though i am not and i hate it. i hate feeling helpless and trapped in my own body and thoughts. i want to have friends and a good career and feel happy with other people but i just can’t. i cant bring myself to rip off the bandaid that is talking to my family. my therapist wont see me anymore and i dont know why, he hasn’t replied to my text asking to schedule in for a month. maybe im unfixable to him or something and he doesnt want anything to do with me for that. i’m trying to get in with someone else but idek if they can help me either. it does feel good to talk to at least someone after not talking to anyone for weeks but i just wish i was normal. i wish i could live a normal life and not feel so trapped. has anyone else gone through total mutism with their own immediate family? how did you get to talking to them again? i feel so trapped and awkward. they want me to talk to them so bad but i don’t even know how to start and i don’t want to either. but i also do. advice?