I am SICK with rage. SICK.
Last November an aggressive Northern Irish man- clearly in charge of the entire internet- shouted (at volume) that any stupid old ladies caught posting their stupid old lady thoughts online would be “let have it.”
Well. A man said it. And as a stupid old menopausal woman, I of course accepted this as legally binding.
So I shut it all down. Internet? Finished. Lady thoughts? Cancelled. I relocated immediately to an underground bunker my grandson kindly dug, because he too understood that old ladies having thoughts was now illegal. A man from Ulster said so and there's no greater global force than Northern Ireland. They don't have internet banking there yet but that doesn't mean they don't control the world wide web.
First order of business: destroy the evidence. I submerged my hard drives (even unplugged some of them first too- I’m not insane).
Then I started dunking my own head in the bath at intervals. What if the angry man had software that could detect lady thinking? Thoughts as stupid as mine would be easily traceable by a man as smart as him. Couldn’t risk it.
Months of this. Silence. Vigilance. Head dunking.
Supplies ran low. I ate my HRT patches. All of them.
Without them, my moustache went completely feral - full frontier energy - so I had to shave it off with a chainsaw my grandson provided for emergencies.
I have been down there SINCE NOVEMBER. Unplugged. Soaking my head and my hard drives in bathwater and boxed wine. Obeying a random terrifying man like he was the Internet United Nations.
Then yesterday my grandson taps out in Morse on the roof of my lady bunker dot dot dot dash dash ---.-...-----....: THE INTERNET IS ALLOWED AGAIN!
I emerge from the bunker looking like Saddam Hussein being pulled out of a hole, except sexier.
ONLY TO FIND OUT THE INTERNET WAS ON THIS WHOLE TIME!!!!!
Months. Gone! Wasted on bath-based counter-surveillance and hormone patch cuisine. Shaving my mustache and my lady garden with a chain saw like an influencer doing an ad for a gifted razor!
Anyway, I’m back online now and I have opinions. Stupid old lady opinions, yes - but opinions nonetheless. And I intend to put them into the internet as soon as my grandson can find my wifi password.
First one: the moon landing was fake.
Second one: I don't think an angry man from northern Ireland is actually in charge of everyone's thoughts and I don't think he has any magic lady-thought hunting software either. 😡😡😡😡😡😡😡