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Sorry posting from an throwaway account as I need to vent. I feel ridiculous and feel like I would get mocked if I would tell my real thoughts out loud to anyone I know.
I met a thoroughbred racehorse around four years ago and he became one of my favourite horses. I asked his owners multiple times throughout the years if I can buy/give him a home after he finishes racing, they didn't say yes or no at that point.
Anyway years went on, I was never 100% confident I would get him. Horse moved to a different area and I haven't even seen him since last year. I even thought that if I get him, great, if I don't, it wont be the end of the world. However, now the horse has retired and has been rehomed elsewhere. Like I said it wasn't a done deal that I would get him but now when it is all over/decided I find it so difficult to accept.
The horse has an absolutely awesome home, better than I probably could have ever provided him. The new owners are super experienced, wealthy, well liked and well connected in the area. I want to be happy for the horse as he is in a perfect home.
I thought I would be fine about it but at the moment I'm even considering quitting riding all together. And I'm over 40y as well, believe it or not, I have owned, sold, lost favourite horses before, cried because of a horse before. This is just hitting me harder than I ever imagined.
I've always had a mindset that things happen for a reason, this just wasn't meant to be and I will get over this. However can't stop thinking this would have been The Horse for me. Maybe I should have been more vocal about wanting him but I don't think I could have competed with the other people in providing him a perfect home.
I can't bear to tell my friends I didn't get the horse as I've spoken about him to them too much. Can't bear the comments that I can see coming, " why didn't you speak to the owners more often", "i thought it was decided" "sure you can go and ask the new owners if you can go and see him" etc.
Hopefully I will look at this post later and laugh at how pathetic I sound like. Just need some words to pull me out of this dark hole of envy and regret I'm in now.