Me (27F) and my bf (25M) of 2 years have had communication problems. He was really toxic in the beginning of the relationship - name calling me and even my sister, verbally hurting me and so on, because I shared my flawed past with him and my mistakes in the past caused him to do that to me.
We got through that phase, then my habits started to annoy him. I have always loved cooking (worked at a restaurant before), cleaning, washing dishes, keeping his house tidy. But those habits irritated him because he felt like I saw him as a useless person, disrespected his wish to let every dirty thing the way he put it until he managed them and I stressed him badly because of that. To be honest I just love cooking and doing those things for myself and the one I love. (I was doing this at his house).
Again, we got through that phase. He was moving to a new big house, his brother started to live with him. I was happy to cook for them, listening to them and genuinely happy because my bf now had someone to spend time with when I was working fulltime. But his brother was used to having everything managed by a housekeeper when living with parents so he just left every dirty dish, pan, trash… around the kitchen, which made me unhappy. I expressed this to my bf and he said that’s his brother's problem not mine, but he would try to tell his brother to fix that habit.
Everything seemed fine again, then I noticed the way he treated me was so much different from his brother. My bf was willing to buy groceries, cook food, clean after his brother. He would share the best pieces of food for his brother, and I got very angry at a time when his brother gave him the fat part of a BBQ pork chop that he disliked, my boyfriend accepted it and then gave that unwanted part to me. I was really upset and caused an argument. He then told me that I was toxic and jealous of his brother, and then he got uncomfortable with me for months because of this.
Later, I found out he followed a ton of OF girls, a drive full of porn, porn accounts, and he had been doing that the entire time we’re together. He hasn't wanted to be intimate for a very long time with me, then I discovered that and felt so hurt and undesired. He said that because I caused him uncomfortability, but he still loves me, he just doesn’t want to do that with me.
He has a new friend group, those friends shipped him with another girl. I found out he and that girl video called multiple times 3-4hr each at 1am to 3am. I confronted him and he said he just wanted to share things with a friend and nothing more. He told this girl he decided not to marry me. He told bad things about me to his group, and this girl also had not-good comments about me despite never hearing the story from my perspective. He said I stepped on his boundary because I kept following up this topic about this girl and annoyed him. He said I don't understand about him, that talking with me felt like talking to a wall, that I have a narrow view of those subject and overlooked his love, care and thought for me.
My birthday I was crying because I had told him multiple times that I wanted to have a surprise gift but he ignored it and just took me to shopping and bought something i said I wanted sometimes ago. He did buy me a surprise gift someday after I cried and tried to explain to him that I was upset that he ignored my wish. His birthday I bought him cake, gift, letter, but he just said it was a waste of my money, I didn't have to do that, and told me to never do that again.
I was hurt and at a loss. I try to communicate and to understand him better. I think I’m over sensitive and insecure but I try to work on that. I have a very good job, I am told all the time that I’m pretty, I run every week and have good health, but I am told to focus more on myself and let him be at ease. Can you give me some perspective?