u/Anas_platyrhyncos

Was humiliated one day when the postman showed up with five packages. I said to him, "oops, went on a bit of a late night spending spree." He said, "and they've all arrived at once!"

Next day, I recoil in shame when I hear the doorbell ring cause I knew the day before was only the start of my packages arriving. I make my wife to get the door, I hear the postman say - "Wow, she really has been on a spending spree hasn't she?"

Nine packages that day 🫠 And they continued for about 2 weeks. Postman stopped making commentary. So humiliating...

I wish I could get a hold of my addictive behaviours. Since I was a child I've been addicted to a range of behaviours including masturbating, stealing, self harming, hoarding, starving myself, over exercising, alcohol, drugs which nearly killed me on several occasions, and shopping. I just don't know what to do. Every time I kick one addiction (2yrs sober from drugs in July 💅) another replaces it. I don't know how to fix the emptiness underneath it all. I justify it by saying "at least it's not drugs" bc that was by far my most life-destroying addiction. I have such a compulsive personality I can never do something just a little bit. As soon as I find something that gives me dopamine I just milk it until I've destroyed my life again and need to move on to the next thing.

I have hobbies. I have a great relationship. I have a fulfilling life. I'm working towards goals. That's how I was able to kick drugs in the first place, I filled my life with enriching things, started focusing on self-improvement and healthy emotional regulation instead of destroying myself every time I felt bad. I actually went a really long time without going on a spending spree and was sooo proud of myself, but then I guess something triggered me and I've been on a spending rampage for the past 3 months.

I was really motivated to get it back in check from March to mid April. I made spending rules, ran all my purchases by my wife, made a spending tracker complete with a graph breakdown. We decluttered the house full of all my useless garbage - my head felt so clear and it felt amazing!!

Then it was just one tiny little impulse buy, then another and another until I fell off and now I don't even want to stop. I love new things. I want more new things. I can't stop obsessing over the new things I want. I can't bring myself to delete my shopping apps because I have things I want in my basket. I keep them there until my impulses drive me to buy a few at a time.

The worst part isnt even the shame or the clutter or loss of control, it's the crippling guilt - I'm studying environmental science and I feel like such a hypocrite for my behaviour. It feels like such a shameful secret.

My packages keep getting delivered to my neighbours and it's piles and piles. It's so embarrassing I'm having to make up lies about how it's for a project (partially true - I have a project that's triggering me to spend a fortune to make sure it's perfect).

If I manage to kick this addiction, I feel like I'm just going to inevitably cycle to something else. I don't know how to stop this 🥲 If anyone is wondering I do have ADHD. I'm on medication and it helped for a while but I've lost control and feel powerless over my compulsive behaviours.