I need to know I'm not crazy
This is super long:
For context I posted in more detail on r/raisedbynarcisst (i forgot the name already lol), I (19F) have been dealing with my mother's (45F) abuse ever since we first ever met when I was 10, she left me and my brother in our home country for her to come to the USA in order to give us a better life, but thats not what this is about it's about how in the nearly 10 years living with her she has chocked me, waterboarded me and then hit me with items to make it hurt more, took my property and would smash it, harassed my health providers/teachers/priests because she didn't like how I wasn't doing things her way, and nearly threw me off a building.
The downfall of our relationship is she opened a bank account for me when I was 17, after I got my first serious job, she would then take money out of my account to pay her bills sometimes leaving my account DRY and when I would complain about it she'd say "you shouldn't even complain you should instead be offering me the money to help me out" (she gets aid from my stepdad and my grandmother btw) and when you're only making 12 an hour that money goes fast, after talking to my boyfriend and friends they helped me get my own bank account situated but even that wasn't the end of it because after that happened she started charging me rent of 500 a month, was I getting any benefits?? NOPE
only got abuse back from it, and whenever I would spend my money on myself (like I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor for a year) she would get mad saying I was waisting the money, I couldn't take it anymore and said "hey I can't pay you rent, I have college expenses to pay for, ubers (didn't have a car so I'd be like 40 a day), and my own necessities I have to take care of + you already have enough help from people around you" and she lost it, she said I had a week to get out her house and I did because after living with the abuse for long i couldn't take it anymore, for 2 months I couch hopped from my boyfriend's house to my best friend's house, now I live with my boyfriend's in a apartment where I feel so much more at peace.
But my uncle died last month, and I had to travel with her to go to his funeral and when I went there I noticed A LOT of people were throwing shade at me saying things like "yk friends don't exist because your mom should be your only friend" and "kids don't get how much their parents sacrifice", mind you we are at a FUNERAL???? for a man who left 2 KIDS BEHIND, but then I put 2 and 2 together and realized that "oh she told people I left and not that she kicked me out, okay wow" but at the same time was trying to apologize to me even tho she once again made me seem like a teenager going through a rebel phase instead of someone who got sick of her shit.
And so today I had to reach out to her cause my stepdad (the goat) is helping me fix up and old car he had so I can finally have a car, and I keep our conversations short but then she hits me with the "yk you shouldn't treat me like an enemy, I did a lot to raise you guys and I didnt have my parents around to help me out" and I tried to have a heart to heart to her to see if maybe we could get somewhere;
My message:
-I have already forgiven you—which is why I speak to you at all—but I will never be able to forget all the harm you inflicted upon me as I was growing up, both mentally and physically. No one blames you for having left us, or for the sacrifices you made; rather, we blame you for failing to treat us with patience and speak to us with greater affection. Throughout my entire childhood, I was forced to act like an adult; I was unable to enjoy either my childhood or my adolescence because you treated me like a nuisance and an inconvenience. For my entire life, you made me feel as though I was not good enough—something I have internalized deeply as an adult. The same applies to my social life: out of fear that I might get pregnant as a teenager, you robbed me of many opportunities to be "normal." Consequently, I do not feel normal now, and I struggle greatly to socialize with other people.
We both make mistakes, but I am able to admit mine. There have been times when I spoke harshly to boyfriend's name, but I apologized to him immediately because I realized I hurt him and don't want to hurt him. All I really needed was patience—not shouting—and love, not physical blows; I also needed you to praise me whenever I did something right. I often find myself missing the memory of my mother—the one I knew as a child—but, for the moment, I am at peace with the distance that now exists between us."
Her response:
-You judge me harshly because I hit you when you were a teenager—isn't that right? I took you to a psychologist so that I wouldn't mistreat you, because your attitude was to simply do whatever you thought was right. Yet all I ever wanted was for you to study and make something good of yourself—something that would ensure you wouldn't have to go through the same struggles today that I went through to provide for you and brothers name.
She went on and sent 30 more messages after that saying that she still sees I resent my brother to this day (because I brought up my 18 year old who works 24/7 due to a toxic job environment while still in high school, needed her attention and help because he's mentally drowning and needs support) that she was nicer than my aunt because she didn't beat me as hard as my aunt did her kids, that I should remember that they are my family even though I think everyone is bad (not true speak to all my extended family when I can and have good relationships with them) and that life isn't all about hugs and kisses and that once i have kids I'll understand, oh and how God has been the only one to ever truly love her??.
I just want to make sure I'm not stepping out of line because I just want to try and make her see my view point, but idk if she ever will?