Yes, I am well aware that love is in fact VERY difficult. But I'm genuinely stuck here.
We're both boys in college, in neighbouring towns, but I go to his for college. He goes to a different college, and we met through a mutual friend. We've been together for nearly 3 months.
Another note that I think can be important - I am autistic. The flavour where I struggle with communication. It comes up every single day of my life and drives me insane.
So, what I've got right now. I'm not going to give exact conversations because I don't want him to see this and then it turns into another argument. Take this how you will.
The pattern:
I say something that can be misinterpreted.
He overthinks it.
Asks about it.
It turns into accusations (Cheating, ill intentions, etc.)
I explain and reassure (Sometimes overexplain and give him walls of text, but I think I've been getting better at it).
Sometimes he just flat out doesn't believe me.
Convo often goes around in circles.
1-3 times a week. But we've had a grace period, so I KNOW is can get better.
This leads to 1 of 2 things. Sometimes both.
- He shuts down, turns his notifications and location off, which drives me insane because I love him and I get really worried he's gonna do something stupid. He does this for space (or however he words it), and I really wish he'd just say something like "Can we take a minute" instead of just vanishing.
- Straight to break-up language like "I don't think this is working", "Maybe it's best if we break up" (Which I have no idea how, but I manage to calm him down afterwards and we stay together).
Then it all goes back to normal.
Now, here's some other things that aren't in the loop, meaning not all of them come up consistently, but have been established:
He questions my loyalty over small things that are often misunderstood.
Sometimes doesn't trust my reassurance.
When I ask him if we can just take a break and calm down, he keeps it going.
He doesn't like talking about these things in person, only over text. I can't quite remember why though.
My side of the story:
I often try to reassure him.
I told him I'll try and help with his overthinking, but when I actually did and provided him with strategies, it was immediately shut down. And said that it actually makes it worse.
I also have insecurities, which did actually kick something off at one point. When he gets insecure, I do the drill. Explain, reassure him, try and de-escalate things, etc. When I get insecure though, I have to justify that. Mind you, I also overthink. One small comment, even though delayed, turned into an argument.
It's starting to get exhausting, because I've made changes to keep him, but he hasn't done the same for me.
Some vague examples. As I said, I'm not gonna go into full detail for previously stated reasons.
Accusations of cheating over a misunderstanding with a photo.
The comment on my dental state, which I often get insecure about.
Literally going to grappling heavy MMA classes, which mind you, saved me from depression.
Now, how I feel about this.
I feel like I constantly have to prove my loyalty to him, but I think I have a good prediction and what would happen if I were to ever question his.
I've become far more cautious on what I say to him as a means to avoid conflict. Mind you, I often delay addressing some of these problems because I just can't be arsed with the argument.
And I think I've already mentioned this, but I've done things for him, but he hasn't done much if anything for me. Mind you, other people have said this too.
Where we're at now.
I genuinely love him, but even I'm questioning if this is actually gonna work. I want it to, and I would do absolutely anything for that. I want to bring up that if he wants this to work, he also has to put work in, because I can't stop his overthinking. Hell, I can't even help with it now. But I just know that's gonna lead to a break-up, which I don't want.
And no, I will not "find another." I'm not a people person and this is the first partner I've had in 3 years, and the best one by far. If this doesn't resolve I'm staying out of the cycle.
And yes, I am aware this isn't exactly healthy. But if there is even a slither of a chance this can work, I will take it without hesitation.