My (37f) brother (5 y older) and I generally have a great relationship. Last summer went on holiday for two weeks with both our family/kids.
We grew up with very problematic and abusive parents. A lot of abuse between parents (from dad to mom), a lot of alcohol, very explosive agressive father.
At 21 I went NC with father for a year. Lot of reflection and my education in mental health helped a lot. After that I rebuilt a relationship. In my life right now they are pretty close, they respect my boundaries very well, I have done therapy. I will never erase what happened, but they have been accountable and right now are very supportive. I am still in therapy to help me deal with the impact, the patterns, etc. as becoming a mother raked up some of the old stuff. But I separate that from who they are to me now. They are wonderful grandparents and they respect my parenting choices and instructions from me towards the kids.
My brother went NC about ten years ago. He keeps seeing mom, as he sees her as victim solely. He never did therapy. He drinks. He is a high achiever like me. I have always respected his choices.
Now he is going through big life event, someone triggered his childhood trauma, and he poured out all this anger over me through text (lives in different country). How dad ruined his life and how everybody stood and watched (which is true). And how everyone keeps seeing him as if that’s fine.
I’ve texted back that I’m very sorry he’s in so much pain. That is WAS all terrible. That I processed things differently and made different choices but always respect his choice to go n.C. as legitimate. My choice in no way invalidates his suffering. I want to be there for him even though I’m not sure how I can do that right now.
He later texted: i don’t blame you, everyone’s doing it, you can all go to hell.
This has triggered me badly. He’s doing exactly what dad used to do. Lash out out of nowhere (it’s not out of nowhere of course but a few days ago I was supporting him with this life event..), it made me feel like I was twelve and my most beloved person is so threatening I feel I will lose there love because I did something wrong etc.
How on earth do I support my brother? I truly respect his NC. I never minimise what happened. I see how hurt he is and he feels betrayed or lonely because others are in contact. I also respect his choice is to not go to therapy etc even though i believe it would serve him (and not as a means to mend with parents etc) and it’s hard to see some unhealthy coping (he drives with alcohol with his kid in the car ffs). I will tell him what I think respectfully but not ever push him or make it my problem etc. I want to be supportive but am also very hurt by him just saying go to hell.
I’m not asking for sympathy for me (although I hope you will be kind). I hope you can help give me some perspective. Am I missing something? What can I do?