I wish it wasn’t such a struggle answering the question “what do you like to do for fun” or “what did you do this weekend”. I bedrotted, doomscrolled, smoked weed, watched porn, played video games, ordered uber eats, and just basically was a loser
I don’t know how to get a life. Because I don’t even know what I want. On a day off I’ll take my adderall and then its “go where, do what?”
Go do something social? I’m an autistic introvert.. It’ll be awkward as hell and I’ll burn out fast..
Not to mention I struggle hard to just have a casual conversation without robotically scanning the other person for data, or sometimes it feels like theres an invisible brick wall in front of my face that prevents any true connection from happening
Even at parties with my friends I basically go mute at a certain point in the night as my brain becomes too fried to form sentences
I just try to envision my autistic ass signing up for a game of pickleball and suffering the awkward conversating, they’ll ask me a question and I have to pause a moment, look away from them, and manually dig through every drawer in the file cabinet that’s my head for the answer
I was invited once by a coworker to go to their run club with them and I straight up could not or did not want to talk to anybody else that was there
When I think about the kinds of activities that outgoing, normie people like to do, I picture myself going there and trying to be like them and just cringe because I already know exactly what it would look and feel like
I want a good life, an interesting life, having something to offer to attract a romantic partner.. why the hell then can I not be more specific about what that would look like for me? It’s already debilitating enough being autistic. Now on top of that my ADHD brain refuses to generate thoughts or ideas of activities/hobbies/things out there in the real world that I could incorporate into my identity
Why. Don’t. I. Know. What. I. Want.
Why. Don’t I. Aspire. For. Things.
What does a good life for a person like me even look like.