My best friend (22M) and I (20M) are both in the military and got really close with each other during our training and even visited each other when we were at our Schoolhouse’s. I even ended up getting stationed at his base even though I’m active and he’s a reservist. I didn’t suspect that he was gay (or Bi) during bootcamp because he would always bring up an Ex-girlfriend and never mentioned guys. He didn’t suspect me either but eventually got close enough to talk about it and relate with each other.
I’ve always seen him as a brother and more like family. I never felt anything romantic for him or got bothered when he would mention his past relationships or hook ups when we would call each other. And I thought it would stay simple like that until this past Saturday.
For context y’all should know that I’m a lightweight and can easily blackout because I like to drink heavy. A while back It happened at an after party and again this Saturday when I went out with him and a couple other friends to the club. We pre gamed before going out and I drank a ton of vodka and tequila, along with more drinks at the club, so I don’t remember much of the night just that I had slept with someone that night.
The next morning I started remembering bits of the night and realized I had hooked up with him. He remembered a bit more, since that morning he kept on asking what was the last thing I remembered from the night before and even pointed out hickeys that I had given him. (But I don’t know how drunk he had gotten) He laughed it off and was more shocked that I didn’t remember it, but the rest of the weekend went fine and we even told his other best friend about it and we left it at that.
I thought things were kind of cool but just a bit awkward because we never saw each other in that way, but the following day I stayed at his apartment because I had to pick up some coworkers from the airport early that morning. While I was there I could tell that he was acting a bit odd and almost upset but I didn’t say anything. We started acting a bit more normal later on though and I ended up falling asleep till midnight when I woke up to him scratching my hair and hugging me.
Now this is more on me since I was sober this time but I was feeling kind of horny and I think also felt bad that I had told him I didn’t remember the night, so I started to kiss him. We ended up making out and getting a bit touchy till we stopped because his Mom and little brother had gotten home late. I talked with his Mom and we both went back to sleep afterwards and then I had to wake up to go pick up my coworkers.
Ever since then we haven’t brought it up but we have been messaging each other like normal. I’ve been sending him reels and making plans with him and our other friends for the weekend, but a part of me feels a bit of regret and embarrassment I think? I felt that our relationship before was nice because we were able to be so close platonically but now that I’ve gone and done this, it just makes everything a bit complicated now.
I’m planning on talking to him one on one this Thursday afternoon because I think messaging him about it can easily lead to misunderstandings or one of us getting upset. I get that I also played a role in this because of what I did the following day but I think my people pleasing tendencies played a role too, because I felt bad that I said I had no memory of what happened. How can I bring this up to him without ruining our friendship? I don’t wanna assume he has feelings for me but I also want to be pretty clear on how I feel. Which is that while I care about him a lot, I don’t see him in that way.