I (20F) genuinely don’t know how to stop feeling horrible about myself after something that happened with my boyfriend (20M) a few months ago.
We’ve been together for about 6 months now, and even though this happened around 4 months ago, I still think about it constantly. Sometimes it genuinely makes me feel sick to my stomach.
One night we had sex, but I didn’t want to continue all the way because I’m not on the pill, and he says he can’t finish with a condom because the feeling is too different for him. After we stopped, I could tell he seemed disappointed, so I tried comforting him. We were both still naked, and I was laying on his chest cuddling him.
Then, while I was still next to him, he suddenly started masturbating.
At first I didn’t really process what was happening, but then I saw him scrolling on his phone. He scrolled past a post, then went back to it, and from what I remember it was some drawing or image of a woman with a very exaggerated body. The second I realized what he was doing, I felt genuinely sick. I got off the bed, wrapped myself in a blanket, and sat on the floor while he continued until he finished.
What hurt the most was that he didn’t even seem to notice how upset I was. He didn’t check on me or stop to ask what was wrong. Afterward, I got dressed, and he left for work like nothing had happened.
We talked about it later, and I explained how hurt and humiliated I felt, but somehow the conversation turned into me comforting him because he got upset. He’s told me before that he used to masturbate every single day, and honestly I think he still does. Sometimes when we wake up, all I want is affection or cuddling, but instead he starts touching himself next to me. Not always to finish, but just because he likes the feeling.
Ever since that night, I’ve struggled so much with my self-image. I constantly compare myself to the women or characters he looks at, and I feel like I’m the complete opposite of what he wants. I’m skinny, not super curvy, and I don’t have a big chest or butt. I know that sounds shallow, but ever since then I’ve felt physically inadequate.
Right now I’m away traveling, and I can’t stop thinking about him masturbating every day while I’m gone. I’ve even tried pushing myself out of my comfort zone by sending pictures and being more sexual with him, but deep down I still feel like I’ll never compare to what actually excites him.
The confusing part is that outside of this, he’s genuinely a good boyfriend. We also live together, which makes everything more complicated.
He’s autistic and has never been in a relationship before, so part of me wonders if he genuinely didn’t understand why what he did hurt me so badly. He seemed to see nothing wrong with masturbating to someone else while I was literally right there after we had just shared something intimate together.
I also feel angry at myself for shutting down instead of saying something in the moment. If I had reacted differently or actually confronted him right then, maybe he would have stopped.
I just don’t know how to move past this or stop feeling so awful about myself because of it. How do I even begin dealing with this situation and my feelings around it?
TL;DR: A few months ago, after my boyfriend and I stopped having sex because I didn’t feel comfortable continuing, he started masturbating next to me while looking at sexual content on his phone. I felt humiliated and unwanted, and ever since then I’ve struggled heavily with insecurity and comparing myself to what he looks at. We’ve talked about it, but I still can’t stop feeling hurt and inadequate, and I don’t know how to move past it.