She told me the other day that she just realized it’s been two years since we broke up. I told her I’ve been counting the days to which she replied “stop doing that”. Ironic because there’s a lot of things I feel like I need to stop doing, like thinking about her.
These last 2 years of my life have been transformative in the most painful way imaginable. In 2024, I was on the verge of taking my life a handful of times. Glued to the discomforting silence of my solitude and unwanted thoughts of failure. I sat in the house for two summers in a row and drank/medicated myself into a depressive hole.
I’m happy to say that my life has improved tremendously since then, but yet I still can’t shake the thought that I’m missing out on her. Sometimes, I just get as high as I can still just to numb the feelings that have been buried beneath my new self. I cannot go back to that sunken place. She told me last week that she wants a boyfriend now… ok I reply with idk something like “well I feel that I should be that”. She replies “nah.. I don’t think we’d work out”. At this point, it doesn’t even hurt anymore. I just start to feel embarrassed. Embarrassed at all of the extra effort I’ve put in when we were already broken up. Drowning myself just to keep the boat of her ego flowing.
I know she loves me, but she just doesn’t want me. And I know and understand this, yet I just can’t shake the thought of her face in my head. The memories come here and there, but it’s her face and voice that just don’t leave, no matter what I do. I’d be a fool to fall in love again, but man I said that shit the last time.
Anyways enjoy my ramen with me!