I met this woman [24] about a year ago shortly a month before my birthday. We met on a dating app. We both were not looking for anything serious truth be told. I had been broken up with a long-time ex for a few months and wanted to see what was out there. Me [24] and her met up and hit it off in person and ended up hooking up that night. It was great and we continued seeing each other as the months progressed. At the time she asked me what it was I was looking for. I wasn't lying when I said it, but that I was dating with the intent of being with someone long term/life. Of course, I didn't mind seeing other people, but I also don't think it's right for me if I am genuinely trying to see if someone and I are compatible. I ended up deleting the app I met her on to show that I was serious in dating her specifically. She did the same from what she told me. And so we continued hooking up. It was mostly sexual, but we did go out on dates, and I was getting to build a connection with her more as time went on.
This is when the imperfections started to show. On one specific date we had a month into the dating relationship, she was having a really hard day. And when I inquired about it it was because she got jealous of my mother laying her legs on top of mine while we were on the couch watching tv with her and talking. But when I asked her more on why she felt that way it was not only because was she jealous of my mother but because she also desires the closeness with her own mother/family. Rather than get upset at her I comforted her. But she continued acting weird that night and towards the end of our date we sat in my car and she started confessing to me about her depression and suicidal thoughts and why she feels that way. I don't want to release to much information for fear of her finding this since I know she's on reddit too. But, it turns out she lost very close people to her that were relatives. One of them which she blames herself for when it was an unfortunate accident that no one saw coming. So I comforted her naturally. I felt extreme sorrow for her and understood why she feels that especially the low self of worth and why she believes she's a bad person. She does attend therapy, but I don't think she's dug deep enough into those fears and deeply rooted issues
Here is where I fucked up partly...one night after we had sex she popped the question of "what are we?" I told her were dating and still getting to know one another. (We had been dating for 2 months now but saw each other at least once or twice a week. The way she said it, I can now see that she had been thinking about it heavily. I didn't know how strongly she liked me at the time because it felt like we were mostly just having sex and engaging in sexual talks. Which is ok, especially if were attracted to each other. But she also had not let me in to her life completely. She told me about her work, friends, and family, but it was mostly negative. At one point her family wanted to meet me and told her to invite me which she didn't. So, I was unsure of myself and where we stood even though I liked her too. I had told her that I still wanted to get to know her more intimately and also explore each other more sexually since that was something big to us both. So, we talked about our fantasies and such and she told me that it was okay for me to sleep with other women so long as she knew and I wore a condom since we were having nothing but unprotected sex. Like I said, where I fucked is re-creating my profile and matching with someone she knew on there.
She ended up calling me...a week later. She questioned me about it and because I was afraid and embarrassed, I lied about when I created the account again. But when she called me out on the lie I ended up confessing the truth. I did not have the account up long and I deleted it after the phone call. I never met up with anyone, kissed, or had sex let alone have a conversation on there. I gave her some space, and we talked again a week later about what happened/why I did it and how I thought she told me it was okay. I contradicted myself earlier through my actions. She too however did as well by telling me it was okay. Nonetheless, I did my best to make it up to her. I became more intentional with my thoughts and actions. So much so that she said she saw my changes. I ended up confessing to her that I like her and that I'm sorry for lying and that I realized how much she actually meant to me. But I feel like the damage was done since she doubted my words and all of suddenly started to say that she doesn't know what she wants. That she doesn't know if she wants a relationship. We still continued to go out for about a month after that incident.
During our last talk she was very distant and silent for days on end and I had reached out to her. She was telling me how hard life has been and that she was arguing with her family, unhappy where she is in life, hates her physical appearance etc. And talked about us a little bit. And she had said a comment about "When we were together." And I was confused because I had told her we were only dating/still dating. She ended getting upset at me and stopped talking to me for a month. And during that month I tried several times to win her back through date ideas, and even a gift for valentines. I put together a gift bag/flowers and a trip to a resort for 3 days. She rejected it. I had never done any of that for anyone before, so it tore me up. I left her alone and gave her the space she asked for and this time respected it. I even had a custom gift made for her. I reached out a month later to wish her happy birthday and that was it. No ulterior motive or anything. She ended up reaching back out. All though it was days that she would take to respond. She had told me she planned on getting a hotel vacation for her birthday. I think we all know what she meant by that. I however, didn't throw myself at the opportunity because she had already shut me out multiple times. I didn't want to get hurt again. So, what did she do other than just straight up tell me that she wanted to see me and instead chose to play games? I won't say, but we know. She says that she wanted to see me but that I hurt her ego and pride and knew that I wanted a relationship so that it was easier with some random stranger. Now, I know we weren't together and she's free to do as she pleases. It still hurt. And I did not need to know either but somehow, she felt obligated to tell me.
I feel somewhat stupid, but I decided to let it go. We ended up meeting a few nights later to "talk" and she was nervous the whole time. I was too. But I showed up warmly and normal. And we talked for hours about why she did it and what it was that she wanted. She deleted her dating account infront of me, the guys # she hooked up with/blocked and deleted it from the trash folder etc. Claims that she just wants me and that shes sorry she did it and that she regretted it. That she was trying to get over me and had been crying about me for two months then needed time to figure out if she wants a relationship. I proposed that we can be exclusive friends with benefits (since she apparently doesn't want a relationship). It didn't take long for us to decide thought that I didn't want that and neither did she. Once again, she's contradicting herself
Fast forward to now a few months after we started seeing each other again. Things were still rocky, but slowly we began mending the "relationship". We went on multiple dates; she started showing more parts of herself to me. Good, but also troublesome parts too. She hates herself, physically and internally. She has low sense of worth, suffers from depression and suicidal thoughts, is jealous, and pushes me out through self-sabotage. Yeah, she attends therapy every 2 weeks. Most of these insecurities and problems stem from the unprocessed grief she had occur to her. Even now, I still made the decision to stick by no matter how hard she keeps shutting me out. The patten that occurs is; We go out, date goes well, she's normal, happy, lovey dovey, sweet, etc...I drop her off home, a few days go by she starts overthinking us and thinking she doesn't deserve me or the things I do for her. And will intentionally not let me do things for her. And lately she has been saying that she likes me, likes talking to me and the things I do and how I show up for her. But, cant figure out if I fit into her life or if she's relationship ready because she hates herself and life. She talks about how she doesn't think she will live long and she's just trying to get a job to support her family.
I get it, I do. She deals with an overwhelming amount of stress and anxiety in her day to day life and she cant get out of her thoughts. But, I give her space, I talk to her normally and show up. But lately I don't know if I can do it much longer. She does a lot of pushing and pulling. Enough to keep me around but at arm's length. She told me she felt a romantic connection before the whole dating account incident, but that when it happened, she lost it and doesn't know if she still has it for me or not. I feel like that is already an answer itself.
Do I stick it out, but detach myself since it's starting to drain me and let her work on herself and put more effort to see if she actually wants a relationship with me?
Or do I just talk with her one last time tell her I love her and give her an ultimatum before walking away entirely from someone who is sabotaging themselves because now it's hurting me?
I do really love her, and I believe that she is capable of doing great things. I did not speak of her good qualities, but she has them and I've seen them, but I also can't be stuck in limbo and feel the constant push and pull from her.