My bf and I had the kids/no kids talk again..
Hello. I've been a lurker in this subreddit for a long time, my first time posting here. If it would belong better somewhere else, I'm sorry. So here's the sitch, my partner (30M) and I (30F) have been together for 5 years and some change, and a few years ago, we talked about kids for the first time, I was on the fence, low-key leaning towards no and he was very on the kids side of things, he said it was a deal breaker if he didn't have kids, it was an existential need for him to have a "legacy". I was very passive then, and told myself "maybe I'll change my mind eventually, I don't want to lose him". Stupid, I know, but I was very different at that time. Then we moved on and hadnt really discussed it again until about a month ago. I had decided a few months before that that I absolutely did not want children, that's when I started lurking around here, looking for others who felt the same, and with every story I read, it further drove the nails into the coffin for me, that I am firmly in the childfree mindset. I respect people that do want/have kids, but it feels wrong for me, and I just know that it will be too much for me mentally, physically, all that, and I would resent my life and him for putting me in it. I watched my best friend, who has wanted children her entire life, still lose herself in becoming a mother, she struggles connecting with who she is outside of being a mother, and I just knew that that life was not meant for me. I had been stewing over that decision for awhile, terrified to tell him because I do love him and still don't want to lose him. Buuuut I noticed I've been subconsciously distancing myself from him as like a defense mechanism to protect myself for when we did have this conversation, it wouldn't hurt so much, because I was expecting a breakup. However.. it didn't go that way. He said he would not choose something that doesn't exist over me, that I'm his person, and things like that. I brought up the idea of him eventually changing his mind or resenting me for not giving him that life. He insisted that it wouldn't happen, and that I need to trust that he won't change his mind or that will create actual resentment if I'm always expecting a breakup on the horizon. I am trying to move on from it, but that fear just won't leave me alone, and I can't tell if it's my intuition telling me I'm right, or if it's anxiety/fear.
I'll take any and all advice that can be offered on this. I'd like to try to make this relationship work if it's possible, but if it isn't.. it is what it is, sadly. It'll hurt like fuck, but I know I'll be okay eventually, this wouldn't be my first breakup. So yeah, thank you so much in advance for any thoughts you can offer ❤️