help me with my 1 million dollars question: do i wanna be a man or do i just like the female gaze and making women please themselves with my body?
for some context, i think is helpful to say some things about me (don't see this as a way to brag about myself, this will be important to my point)
i'm amab; depressed since the beginning of teenagehood; 18yo; brazilian; from experience, even though having low self esteem kept to myself, conventionally attractive in a feminine way, wich has been described by a good friend of mine as "soft, but masculine"; almost 1.80m (or almost 5'9'' for the people who don't know what the hell is a meter); and i have a 19cm (or 7.5 inches) dih
in terms of body expectations, i'm what the straight, bissexual or pansexual female figures of my life (and i believe most of them out there) like. i said in terms of body expectations because i know that what really matters is the day-to-day behavior, charisma, flirt timing, respect, listening, and many more qualities (or even basic things like hygiene, lmao). but, honestly, i think i've been well raised to naturally be an interesting person, so that's not a problem
the very important thing i've "hidden" until now is that i've always had a very skinny body that really caused me insecurities. even with me being paranoid about my body i always standed out in high school, but only with the girls my age or even lower. and now that i'm out of high school, i feel that the women above my age seems to find me too small for an attraction. that situation scaled up even more my already existing dreams of being a badass androgynous big male in the female gaze, like nightwing, leon from re4, dante from dmc, alucard, etc
and that is so simple to achieve, i just need to go to the gym and work in my body, except for the fact that this is NOT a obious way (dan dan dan dan plot twist). i've always questioned my gender and even my sexuality. as the time passes by, the gender questions get even more complex and present in my life, to the point that i'm writing this for some help. i don't even start start to make progress because i don't know what body do i want, so i avoid gym. the sexuality mention is there to show how open minded i am (and one thing that i'll elaborate later), because i feel disgust for men in a sexual way (or in a general way even), even though after TRYING to force myself to see the good side. men are a big turn-off and the only time i like to imagine one is me being one of those badass characters. in the other way, i LOVE women in a kind of a "cannibalist" way, i like the idea of exploring and pleasing every part of the body from that being (being cis or not, because i like the idea of a penis in a woman as much as a vagina, and that don't make me atracted to men)
now i feel confusion between liking women and wanting to be them, EVEN THOUGH AFTER COMING OUT TO MY FRIENDS AND STARTING LASER HAIR REMOVAL. that seems crazy by the way i wrote this but until yesterday i was pretty sure about me being a woman, now, not really. i feel really dysphoric imagining me as woman not because i don't see it fitting, i really do, and it would be so freaking magical and relieving, but because i know most women are straight, because i know i would care about my shoulders, my neck, the size of my breasts, not having a vagina nor a big functional penis, my masculine traits that i don't REALLY care in a male version of myself, etc. and imagining this badass male version is so cool and the possibilities that it would bring me back would be awesome. but at the end of this life, may my soul rest as a woman
riddle me this: what the hell am i?
honorable mention that i forgot: i've a pretty good fashion vision for both genders (so imagining myself as one or another is pretty easy) and i really LOVE women's clothes, especially the alternative ones, even though i believe some of them seems strange on a male body
answering questions that may appear: yes, i'm in therapy; even though i might be gender-fluid or non-binary, i really don't like the idea of not being a woman nor a man, and i NEED to pick a way after so much time not living because of depression; yes, i've dated before and i don't just idealize women, i just like them so much, it just feels like heaven (like the cure)