I've been with my girlfriend for 16 years and I think she has some form of BPD. She denies it. I'd like to know what the best way to assess this is. Also the level of the different traits. I have read and watched a lot of videos about it already and many things totally check the boxes. Fear of abandonment, wanting to "be a part of me", throwing things during fights, abusive language and insults (often without grounds), jealousy, constantly looking for praise and credit. I've rarely heard her apologize for anything. She is highly functional in her job and daily life, really only at home with me her facade disappears.
But also there is a quite reflective side to her where she can be quite reasonable I finally got her to couples counseling after insisting for many years. I told her my suspicion of her having bpd in the couples therapy and she refused to talk after that. We didn't go there after that. I do have to say that I agree with that decision, as the therapist was only doing surface stuff like "Schedule more free time activities". My gf is still open to try another couples' therapist btw.
I have seen positive changes in her these last few months when we have discussions. She can still explode, but we've had more productive talks in the last 6 months. She's been consuming books on inner child stuff, childhood trauma and some podcasts. These things seem to slowly change her perception of herself and improve things a bit.
Now the big topic is children (late 30s), we both want them, but I told her, I will not start that project without her getting a diagnosis and start treatment. She recently told me she thinks it's PMDD, not BPD. I told her, that I don't know what it is, but she needs to get a diagnosis in any case.
Back to my initial question, is there a test that I can use to "score" her condition, get a feel for the severity and what her version of (assuming bpd) is comprised of.
And are there any other disorders that I should look at as well?
Thank you!