Man, I don't even know where to start. I tried dating casually again, and of course fell way too fast for someone. I kind of confessed my love to them today which was not reciprocal. I feel so dumb. I was being desperate like trying to talk around his objections to me wanting to be in a relationship. I had committed to non serious dating and I broke that.
I am tired of doing things I don't really want to? Like I say I don't want anything serious, but then do shit like I did today. And even just the concept of sleeping around I am going back on now. I can't even sleep with people sober? Like all of it is toxic. And all of this communicates that I am not in a place for either physical or emotional intimacy.
I just want to be myself and not feel ashamed or worried that people won't like me. I want to focus on my friendships and family. Gonna take a good break from dating apps again.
BTW I blocked everyone I had been talking to from the apps. And blocked the guy I ended up liking. I wouldn't be surprised if he never hit me up again or just responded directly that he wants to stop seeing each other. I was really kind about wanting him to do whatever is going to make him happy and I was also honest about my intense feelings. I respected his request for space. It didn't feel like the worst note to end on? I am grateful I have grown enough that I was able to show humility when it felt so fucking awful being vulnerable like that.
I also just want to say to anyone that struggles with BPD, you are lovable. And some people will come and go. This does not mean you are flawed or damaged or doomed to fail in all relationships. I hope you can love yourself the way I am trying to myself rn.