Hello, I came on here because I honestly don’t know what to do or who to talk to about this anymore. I just need to let it out.
I’ve been with my husband since we were in junior high. For some context, he’s struggled with 🌽 addiction because of things he experienced growing up.
After we got married, he stopped watching it for a while. Then one day, when our first baby was about 8 months old, I caught him watching again. At first he lied and blamed his cousin, but after I gave him an ultimatum, he admitted the truth.
About three years later, I caught him again. This time he claimed his friend had used his phone, and I believed him.
Two more years passed, and then I found a secret Reddit account full of porn. Around that same time, I was going through a miscarriage. I had taken the pills my doctor prescribed so I wouldn’t have to get a D&C, and I was in physical and emotional pain. When I confronted him about everything, he told me he “couldn’t help that other women had beautiful bodies.”
Hearing that during such a vulnerable moment broke something in me. He knew I was already struggling with my self-esteem after pregnancy weight gain and stretch marks, and those words stayed with me. On top of that, he was entertaining attention from another woman. Nothing physical happened, but I knew he had feelings for her, and honestly, that hurt too.
It’s been three years since that incident, and I still think about it all the time. Before all of this, I was never someone who felt ugly, even after having kids. But everything that happened affected me so deeply that I ended up getting cosmetic surgery for my stomach area because I couldn’t stop feeling insecure.
The hard part is that I do love him. Some days I resent him deeply, and other days I think about all the good he’s done and the life we’ve built together. We’ve been through so much. He’s an insecure man with a lot of unresolved issues, especially from his relationship with his mother.
He tells me he loves only me and wants forever with me. I can see that he’s trying to change, and in some ways he really has changed. But I still don’t know if staying is worth it anymore.
I don’t look at him the same way I used to. I loved him so deeply that I truly believed he could never hurt me, and now when I look at him, I feel anger and sadness mixed together.
I also don’t want to become like my mother, who stayed with a man that continuously hurt and disrespected her because that’s what Christians have to endure. I guess I’m struggling to figure out where the line is between fighting for your marriage and losing yourself in the process. I want to be obedient to God and forgive it his marriage to move on but my heart is shattered. How can someone who says they love you put you through things like that?
TL;DR:
My husband deeply hurt me, and although he says he’s changing, I don’t know if I can move past the pain or if staying is the right choice anymore.