I’m currently in a long term relationship with my partner, and things have generally been going pretty well for us. But the topic of physical intimacy and affection has always been tricky for me, due to the sexual abuse I’ve endured in my childhood at the hands of an emotionally overwhelming family member.
As an adult, I always feel immense guilt about having any kind of sexual desires at all. Especially since I take on the dominant role, I can’t help but feel disgusted in myself.
My partner had recently told me that I made them uncomfortable with how much I liked showing physical affection. And I think that really hit me hard to hear. I’ve always had trouble reading people, so I had no clue what they were feeling until it became too much for them to handle. It felt so horrible to know I may have accidentally hurt someone I love and cherish so much. We’ve worked things out and had a talk about boundaries, but I can’t shake that awful feeling of guilt and shame. I am so terrified of accidentally becoming my abuser and inflicting the same harm onto a loved one. I’m just so scared